Monday 2 April 2012

Keeping Caedmeron Informed

In his desperation to distance himself from the officiousness, snooping and general interference of his Redistributionist predecessors Guffmund the Brown and Tondvig the Blur, His Eminence, the Holy Archbishop Dagwald Caedmeron - the Chief Cock and Bluebottlewasher of the Tree/Liberationist Circus Administration - swore upon assuming office that he would roll back the secretive and invasive Northumbrian state, and restore the individual rights and liberties of the good people of this lovely Realm. Hooray for Caddy, Liberty and business!

Since those heady times of hot, steaming rhetoric and brown rabbit pearls, Caddy Boy's cast iron resolve has - under some bizarre alchemy - transmogrified into a state of liquidity more akin to diarrhoea. Yesterday it was announced through the trusty offices of the soothsayers that the Tree/Liberationist Administration would (in the interests of the protection of the good Anglo-Saxon people, naturally) monitor every item of correspondence and communication in the Kingdom. Every note, shopping list, arrangement, letter and piece of tittle-tattle would be intercepted by the drudges of the Northumbrian Establishment and assiduously scrutinised by the Protectors of the Kingdom's Good. The new positions resulting from this initiative will be taken up by - inter alia - unemployed diversity coordinators, pigeon psychiatrists, dog log monitors and former inhabitants of Good King Alhfrith's penitentiaries. Some of them, I believe, will still be alive...

No one has yet publicly explained the rationale for Caddy Boy's change of heart, and such an explanation hasn't been demanded; however, the majority of the public are more than willing to cooperate with this stunning new enterprise. Out of an overflow of love and affection for the Dear Leader and the Wonderful Works of Righteousness that he and his little friends are doing for the common good, many have already demonstrated their enthusiasm for Caddy Boy's new directive and spontaneously decided to surprise him by delivering their messages to his headquarters in person. The reason for this extra mile is so that Caedmeron can save even more Holy Groats, thus reducing the intake of new employees to implement this measure. In their eagerness to conform to the spirit of this new law, they've also declared their undying love for him, have revealed to him their innermost secrets, their aspirations and ambitions, what they've eaten for breakfast, the state of their bowels and myriads of other pieces of vital information.

All Caddy Boys has to do now is establish whether or not any of these newly-acquired snippets of information are factual or mere fantasy. He has his work cut out...

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