Monday, 12 December 2011


It was a thrilling occasion, and myriads of ecstatic Northumbrians assembled from all seventeen quarters of the lovely Kingdom to witness the annual spectacle. Your Cat has been as fascinated as ever at the unfolding weekly drama, as the finest of the Realm's aspiring songsters waged mortal combat over the last few weeks to stake their claim for the coveted Ð Factor. Such fun!

Much to everyone's surprise, the eventual winner of this sudden-death play-off was a hastily assembled collection of young girls attired as bargain-basement courtesans, referred to as 'Little Minx'; they were pitted against Maerkers Goblins - a young man with an impressive voice and an engaging manner. Despite his evident prowess as a singer and performer, Maerkers' regional speech was barely intelligible to the assembled hordes, who therefore assumed he was some foreigner of exotic speech, diet and customs. Consequently the innate Northumbrian xenophobia kicked in, and the girls won the acclaimed award. Notoriety and obscurity await them - along with an opportunity to play Salome, and sing and dance before King Alhfrith and the potty-mouthed Queen Hillida. I hear the sharpening of axes already.

Dagwald Caedmeron - flushed with his astounding recent imaginary successes at the Court of Emperor Jose Borracho and his half-witted henchman Hermit the Rumphole - has been greatly pleased with the outcome, and has hailed the Ð Factor result as a great achievement for Northumbria. I'm not sure how it can be, but since he's such a witty, wise and worthy representative of our great Kingdom, I'm prepared to defer to his instinctively sound judgement...

Nevertheless, the Redistributionist Faction - along with their bosom pals Guardy-Ann, Beeby See and the Windy Pedant are furious, and the machinery of the Diversity Commissariat has ground into ominous gear. They're deeply unhappy that Goblins was outvoted by the Little Minx quartet, and they're determined that the result is contested on the grounds of equality and fairness. Edweird the Milliner has already called for a Public Enquiry. It's going to be very interesting when the mothers and grandmothers of these girls get wind of this. They'll give him hell in a handbag...

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