Tuesday 21 December 2010

The Cat Stands Corrected

I have to eat my words. With a great deal of regret, I am obliged to state that I was completely wrong to doubt the prevailing orthodoxy regarding Climate Change.

Why the change of tone? You might well ask. Well, it would appear that a Climate Change expert has spoken and diffused all doubts concerning the veracity of Climate Change. They have dissipated like the morning mist that hangs upon the clifftops of Streonaeshalch (actually, it's still there this morning - sorry about the faulty metaphor).

Bishop Georges Moonbat (despite his foreign-sounding name, he graces these shores) is the world's leading authority on this fairtytale phenomenon, and within the hallowed portals of our beloved soothsayers he explained that this severely cold winter weather we're having here in Northumbria is a direct consequence of Global Warming. The currents of hot air (Note: these are not the halitosis-ridden or intestinally-fragranced vapours of Beeby See's varied exhalations) have driven the temperate weather away and have diverted it to the Azores, allowing cold Arctic air to anoint this Kingdom with frost and snow. No, really. Whatever.

I - a mere cat - can only stand in awe and reverence at the erudition of this expert, and the words of sublime drivel wisdom that drop from his chops lips. How could I doubt him?

But while I don't want to cast any aspersions on this man's formidable intellect and education, there are still nagging questions that just won't go away. How does our esteemed Bishop Moobat know? What is the basis for his authoritatively confident explanation? Has he been carried up on the wings of eagles, and shown the explanation from above? Or has the Almighty had a quiet word in his shell-like, and imparted some esoteric piece of knowledge and given him the task of passing it on the the rest of the world? And how exactly does lighting more bonfires and kilns and forges make the weather colder?

I wonder if the Bishop has been taking magic mushrooms? I understand this is what the shamans did in the old Saxon religion before Christianity came to these shores. The fly agaric gave them insights into a wonderful world that strangely vanishes when the effect of the mushrooms subsides. Funny, that.

Perhaps it's not the mushrooms. After all, the soothsayers invariably wheel out these experts when they want to prove something to the more reflective members of the populace who otherwise might question what they hear.

Hmm. I wonder who pays Moonbat? Perhaps that's the more significant question to ask. Oh - and I retract my earlier statement.

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