Tuesday 1 September 2015

The Crowbane Legend

Since my last posting, a significant momentum has accumulated in favour of the future king of the Redistributionist Faction known as Crowbane, the aged and bearded druid priest who - according to popular folklore - hails from a small settlement in Frankish Gaul called Sibannac, which is renowned for its idiosyncratic residents, who in their unique custom stand around in stoned circles.

Despite the fact that he hasn't yet been enthroned, the soothsayers are excitedly predicting his incumbency with a blasé certainty saturated with smugness. It's almost as if they're deliberately aiding the prophecy's fulfillment.

Amid the scare stories being peddled by the Tree Faction and its faithful drones, an alternative narrative is starting to emerge; tales of his courageous exploits with the chieftains of various Viking enemies of the Northumbrian Kingdom, and stories of his adoption of obscure and deeply unpopular causes like the dismantling of the Northumbrian Kingdom and the banishment of King Alhfrith to the nether regions.

He's also expressed his undying support for the Northumbrian Herbalist Service, and particularly for the cultivation of new strains of plants and of course, magic mushrooms. Such enterprises are of great importance to bizarre and eccentric druids, as their auguries from the mangled deliberations of their muses depend solely upon these organic substances. Very important!

One of his more controversial aspirations is to turn the realm into a glorified vegetarian pigfarm, and to remove iron and various other metals from the land in favour of pieces of wood, twine and stone. Such ambitions have already earned him a great deal of admiration from the yogurt weaving communities and climate doom merchants, who, for the sake of the gentle polar bears and the allegedly receding Arctic ice, would also like to see the use of fire forbidden during the winter months.

Despite these often conflicting reports, the soothsayers are already smacking their voluminous chops and anticipating what Crowbane will do when he gains the coveted seat of power. Naturally, they're assuming that his leadership of the Redistributionists will be but a mere step away from the wielding of absolute authority over whatever is to remain of the Kingdom. As if it's already a done deal.

As far as Crowbane is concerned, this destiny is certain. Cometh the hour, cometh the druid. Your Cat is quite convinced that it is certain. In Crowbane's addled head, that is...


  1. Thank you for the giggles. If you'll allow me a feeble attempt:

    And it came to pass that Crowbane was annointed and there was much rejoicing.
    There was great angst among the redistributionist leaders, several of whom followed the example of Brave Sir Robin. Once they had got to a safe distance they cursed Crowbane, even in the hearing of the Michaels who work for the BBC.
    Crowbanes' annointment was welcomed by Seamus O'Semtex, the well known magic shamrock salesman.
    It is expected that if Crowbane becomes King in the next Great Count, there will be even greater rejoicing. For a while. Then we will have to eat all the minstrels.

    1. If you would like to run a trial post by me, DM me on Twitter. It would be good to hear from you.

  2. Glad you liked it.
    I am not on Twitter, but I may soon be forced to open an account. At gunpoint. Large bore, she said. I think she meant the gun.
    It's amazing what tiredness and a fair memory of old comedies can do to a slightly addled mind. Unfortunately it doesn't happen often. If I come up with anything suitable I'll pop in in here, if that's OK with you.