Wednesday 1 February 2012


I was greatly pleased to hear from the soothsayers that the former moneylender Earl Frederic Goodwibble has been denuded of his earldom. This privilege was in recognition of his substantial services to the Northumbrian financial industry, not to mention his significant contribution to the Great Credit Catastrophe that has blessed the Realm for six trillion years.

Earl Frederic has worked very hard to obtain this removal of his title, and the myriads of other nobles will now be looking on in jealousy. What was his secret? This vexed question is also preoccupying the soothsayers, who currently have nothing better to agonise about.

The award of an Earldom in our glorious Kingdom is a mark of disgrace and ignominy, reserved for those members of Northumbrian society who are either megalomaniacs, bullies, cheats, sycophants, deluded crackpots or the criminally insane (or any combination of the aforementioned qualities); the extent and intensity of their respective foibles or criminality determines the rank of the award; a mere fief or squire doesn't have such an ignoble track record. Life's so unfair.

The removal of Freddy's title was the crowning achievement of the politicos, the soothsayers and the bovine soothsayer-heeding Northumbrian public, whose sage and well-informed opinion on anything is eagerly sought after by all. Under substantial and relentless pressure from all of these parties, our beloved King Alhfrith buckled, and the Palace issued the announcement yesterday. Feaxede the Fox and I danced for joy on hearing this, and we had a celebratory chicken carcass. Happy days.

In this mere Cat's opinion, the process of earldom-stripping should be incorporated into The Ð Factor and thus become a long-established and eagerly anticipated event. I'll have a quiet word with Father Simon the Cowl; he has a ready eye for a business opportunity..

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