Tuesday, 6 November 2012

Thule Me Once..

Today is a Very Significant Day in the history of the world. I know this to be true for the simple and unvarnished reason that the soothsayers have told me so - and who am I - a mere Cat - to quibble with such sages?

In the long ago, faraway and as yet undiscovered land of Ultima Thule, a valuable choice is being made by the inhabitants which will determine their destiny as a Kingdom for the next ten minutes: they're casting their votes for their new Tribal Chieftain. The previous occupant of this seat of authority was His Eminence Bugrake O'Barmy - the silver-tongued, smooth-talking operator, whose skills have been honed by his previous experience in used chariot sales, and informed by the barrack-room legal profession. After a period of tenure which has secured Ultima Thule's place in the annals of the history books for extreme insolvency, bankruptcy, poverty, debt and biscuit - aided by increased taxation in order to construct the Ultima Thule Herbalist Service, thus generating myriads of important jobs for fluffy diversity coordinators and pigeon psychologists. His mantra when he previously ran for the Chieftain's seat was "Hope," but it's noticeable that such a word no longer appears in his rhetorical vocabulary. I've no idea why, and the soothsayers aren't providing any clues as to the reasons for this mysterious omission. Buggy Boy represents the interests of the inarticulate, deluded and starry-eyed Redistributionists and those legions of foreigners who have no grasp of the prevailing language.

Bugrake O'Barmy's rival to the Great Throne is a wealthy tribesman called Mutt Rumpy, who represents the interests of the Silent Majority - the moral backbone of the undiscovered land. Although the electors are taciturn (mainly because they haven't yet learned to speak), their Representative is certainly not, and he isn't afraid to air his formidable ignorance about the world in which he lives. (He recently voiced the opinion that Northumbria was some kind of disease.) Mutt Rumpy also adheres to some Ultima Thule-derived heresy whose theology centres around polygamy, huge families and cuddly kittens. This is likely to appeal to the feline vote, but I'm not so sure I'd be in favour. I must have a chat with Caedmon about it when he has a spare fifteen nanoseconds..

The results of this Significant Vote will be disclosed in the next ten years. I'm so excited! Now, what's for lunch?


  1. You forgot to mention Mutt Rumpy's visit to this sceptred isle to visit the Cameroon Lowlander and insulted its inhabitants by doubting that they could organise the International Festival of spear throwing, boulder heaving, henge jumping etc.

    Norman the Nippy

  2. I suspect that Mutt the Rumpy couldn't organise a bishop in a priory..