Rodreham Rout

On a crisp winter's day, there's nothing better than a piece of news to warm the blood. Today this Cat has finally heard the results of the Rodreham election, where the three identical factions have been slogging it out in immoral mortal combat to get one of their window-lickers elected into a seat in the House of Folly. Hooray for De-Mockery-Cy!

As well as the usual suspects, there was also a contender from the Northumbria Independence Faction - a small and motley collection of idealists, eccentrics and emotionally cultural Anglo-Saxons who aspire to see the beautiful Kingdom delivered from the affectionate deadly embrace of the Holy Roman Empire (which is as holy as Beelzebub's underpants, Roman as a pyramid and nothing like an empire).

An interesting development immediately prior to the election was the measure taken by the Redistributionist-infested Rodreham welfare services to separate some foreign orphans from their Anglo-Saxon foster parents. Their justification for this heartless decision was that these malevolent and foolish parents had changed their allegiances, forsaken the Holy Redistributionist Faction and espoused the cause of the Northumbria Independence Faction. In short, they were deemed to be vile heretics. This change of heart on the part of the unfortunate parents owed itself to their growing concern over the myriads of people steadily occupying the Kingdom, speaking guttural languages, spitting in the streets, practising strange and exotic religions and eating bizarre dishes. When word got out about this draconian measure, swords were sharpened, and the heads of Redistributionists were eagerly sought - along with those of the ubiquitous, slimy and secretive cult Commonest Porpoise, which, like an unseen colony of demented maggots, eats at the heart of the Kingdom's institutions. The pundits were confidently predicting that as a consequence of this bizarre episode, the Redistributionists would suffer an ignominious defeat, and there would be public executions.

But we should never take anything for granted. The Redistributionists have won the seat. My pal Feaxede the Fox told me that each Rodreham Redistributionist elector voted at least three times. Fair play wins the day. But at least the Liberationists lost their deposit. I have one freshly cooked for them - and there's plenty more where that came from..