Thursday 9 May 2013

The Third Northumbrian Tragedy

They say that things happen in threes, and events this year have certainly proved this to be so (and thus it shall ever be until the fourth arrives). After the lovely Kingdom of Northumbria reeled from hearing about the departure of Dagwald the Milliner from the hallowed halls of seedy Redistributionist politics, it was soon faced by the sad demise of Hilda the Roofer, the late and lamented former Tree Principal Minister and beloved friend of Redistributionists and miners.

In the ensuing weeks following the shock of these unfortunate events, the Kingdom cheerfully settled down to the routine of dealing with the Great Public Expenditure Cuts - along with all the usual dronings of the politicos, and recently witnessed the Northumbrian Independence Faction's astonishing victories in the Shire Witangemot Elections. Happy days and biscuit.

However, the hand of Providence has once again delivered a fresh consignment of gloom, doom and ordure to the Northumbrian Realm. It's been revealed through the ashen-faced soothsayers that Aelric the Forger's Son has announced his retirement from the chieftainship of that beloved Northumbrian institution known as Madcaster Untied. This came as a bolt from the blue, and a numbed Northumbrian population is presently attempting to make some sense of this staggering development.

Aelric the Forger's Son - the cheery, ruddy-faced ruminant led the aforesaid football team to a continual series of sporting victories over a period of seventeen thousand years. An exile from the wild and windswept glens of Caledonia, he led his barbarian Pictish contemporaries to similar successes and prowess on the football field. Eventually, the call of the civilised world - and a substantial stipend in Holy Groats - brought him down to the gentler lowlands of Northumbria to assume his new role as Gruff Football Team Leader. Consequently Madcaster Untied became a by-word for sporting prowess and invincibility throughout the Known World.

His phenomenal successes as a Leader of Men owes primarily to his gentleness, his willingness to understand his team and their many problems in dealing with lavish lifestyles - as well as his quiet and unassuming nature and unintelligible Caledonian accent.

And now that Elijah has slain all the prophets of Baal and completed his life's ministry, the one remaining question is: what Elisha can adequately step into his shoes and continue his work? Stay tuned, people. It's going to be a white knuckle ride from now on...

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