Schools, Ghouls, Tools and Fools

Educational establishments continue to be the soothsayers' menu du jour here in the lovely Kingdom of Northumbria. After all the excitement of the New Atheist Kindergarten set up by Hazy Greyfish and his frothy-mouthed mate Porkins (which still continues), schools have remained in the news for other reasons as well.

Time was when schools were orderly places where children learned the art of compliance to a system of psychotic pedagogy - usually reinforced by a skilfully-administered flexible weapon. These establishments were renowned for discipline, respect and a high level of scholarly attainment, and hungry minds were amply fed.

However, since the absorption of this lovely Kingdom into the Holy Roman Empire (which is neither holy, Roman nor an empire), the education of the little ones has been in a steady process of programmed decline, largely thanks to the continuous unwelcome dabblings of Witangemot politicos, who've pontificated about the subject as if they were divinely ordained experts, and used the schools and kindergartens as testbeds for their own half-baked, fly agaric-influenced theories. Most children are now encouraged to think of themselves as prima donnas who have an innate inability to fail at anything, although their inability to read, write or string words into coherent sentences and to reason intelligently suggests otherwise. Most of the thirty thousand graduates in the football team Madcaster Untied have attained this impressive level of academic excellence.

But schools have also been places where motleyculturalism has been actively encouraged. Consequently there are schools in the Kingdom where not one single Christian Anglo-Saxon child can be seen - and where the Norse tongue is the lingua franca and the Eddas are the recognised holy book. Such places have encouraged Viking kiddies to regard themselves as special warriors for Valhalla, and - aided by a governmental wink and occasional back-hander of a few gazillion groats here and there to keep them sweet - every effort has been made to encourage the little darlings in their noble pursuit of Viking conquest, Nordic laws and the systematic termination of the Christian religion and Anglo-Saxon culture.

But - Caedmeron to the rescue! Our intrepid Senior Minister and Chief Cock and Bluebottle-Washer of the Tree-Liberationist Alliance has decided that Enough is Enough. The schools and kindergartens aren't making enough effort to weed out these disruptive anti-Anglo-Saxon elements from their ranks. Something Must Be Done. A Law Must Be Passed. Hooray for Caddy!

Everyone is overjoyed here in Streonaeshalch, and the celebratory bunting is merrily flapping in the summer coastal breezes. This is a fantastic victory for Common Sense.

I expect to see these warriors of Valhalla rapidly dissolve into obscurity, and the entire Viking cause to collapse into a smouldering heap of wreckage. I also expect the next scheduled flight from the Abbey pigsty. Any time now.