Tuesday 8 March 2011

UFO Sightings

Each passing day seems to disclose yet more hidden treasures of human imbecility, greed or some other vile quality in the political life of the lovely Kingdom of Northumbria. I never cease to be amazed at the apparently bottomless pit of foolishness and depravity that lurks beneath the surface of Witangemot life.

Harsh words from your friendly neighbourhood moggy, perhaps. But I've no better way to summarise what I've discovered. It came to light yesterday: I was about to set off on the customary tour of my territory with some tasty mice in mind, when Feaxede the fox loped my way at some considerable speed with a piece of vellum in his mouth. This was a familiar event, and I thought he'd once more uncovered the King's Speech from Christmas. Of course, he wanted me to read it, as - unlike me - he hasn't had the advantage of a Christian education. I expected to read the same drivel as before, but this piece of vellum was different. Most of the writing was smudged beyond recognition and was unreadable, but I managed to discern a few words and phrases amid the inky mess on the dirty manuscript. I saw the words "Beyond Authority" and "United Factional Organisation." As before, Feaxede wanted to know what was written on the fragment he'd so lovingly uncovered. I told him what words and phrases I could make out, but I told him I couldn't make head or tail of it. Sorry, Feaxede old pal. No can do. So after the parting courtesies of friends, my foxy friend returned to the dump from whence he came to return the manuscript and continue his research.

Although the words were meaningless, I didn't forget them; they did somersaults in my hyperactive mind; my feline curiosity was awakened, and it simply wouldn't give me rest. I didn't bother to ask Caedmon, as he was busy with the herd he tends - and although he's a knowledgeable and wise human, he doesn't concern himself with political matters.

As Providence would have it, I met my friend Láréow - who is my secret agent in the corridors of power. As chief rat-catcher and pet to Caedmeron - the Supreme Allied Commander-In-Chief and Chief Cock and Bluebottlewasher of the Tree/Liberationist Alliance factions, he has privileged access and insights into the shadowy world of politics. After the usual opening greetings and banter, I asked Láréow if he was aware of "Beyond Authority" and "United Factional Organisation," having explained to him the circumstances by which these terms came to my attention.

To my great surprise, he told me that he knew a great deal about them. In fact it's a secretive cult known as "UFO" that has its slimy fingers in every strand of Northumbrian life. It has its tentacles in the local and national Witangemots, the administration of justice through the Moots, the Costumed Thugs, the schools, the Church and pretty well every sphere of activity that directly impacts on the lives of the unsuspecting and bovine public. He told me that it pretends to be a charity, but its objectives are far from charitable. Despite the farthings that dear old ladies drop into its tins, it's actually a hidden front to increase the grip of the Holy Roman Empire (which is neither holy, Roman nor an empire) and fuel the insatiable ambitions of the power-crazed Emperor Jose Borracho and his half-witted henchman Hermit.

When I asked him about the words "Beyond Authority" he told me that was a watchword among its sinister and secretive members: they were to use their guile and deceit to subvert the existing authority structures in the Kingdom. The intention is to hand Northumbria, Wessex, Mercia, the Kingdoms of the Angles and the Danegeld into the treacherous hands of foreign devils who will turn the country into an amusement park for the wealthy, who can then come over and shoot starving peasants for fun.

I haven't see my friend Leo for ages. I think he needs some exercise; things must be very restricted in that cage of his. I wonder what I can do to get him out? I've got a job for him to do...

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