Tuesday 24 May 2011

Keeping It Dark

Well, the furore about the legally concealed misdeeds of wealthy and clueless Northumbrian miscreants rumbles on, and the stupidity continues apace. Yesterday, a highly esteemed member of the Witangemot (whose name eludes me - I'm an old and forgetful cat - I think it was something like Lemming) named aloud to the assembled throng of window-lickers the footballer called "Rhino" Biggs who'd paid gazillions of groats to avaricious lawyers to take out an injunction to keep his sordid dalliances with another woman secret. I think he wanted to keep it from his poor wife. Lemming was a bit behind the times: the name of this gentleman was already common knowledge and the talk of every mead parlour and alehouse in the Kingdom. Nice work, Lemming. By the way - would you like to see some cliffs? We have some nice ones here near Streonaeshalch...

It now appears that there are thirty million other wealthy footballers - all of whom play for Madcaster Untied - who have also paid gazillions of groats to avaricious lawyers for the same purpose. So far their identities are hidden from public view, and securely locked up in the decaying remnant of a brain that resides in the cranial cavities of  Soothsayers like Beeby See, Dellymell and Guardy-Ann. Or so they think..

I've come to realise that the legal system in the human world is yet another theatre of the absurd. It was originally designed to preserve justice and equity - to punish the evildoers and compensate those who've suffered as a result of the misdeeds of others. There's a basic human code of behaviour designed to honour integrity, and based on the Ten Commandments - given by the Almighty through the prophet Moses. Without it, all human society would collapse into a chaotic heap. However, the legal system has become a marketplace, where justice is a commodity, bought and sold at a premium for the highest bidder - which means that overpaid and over-indulgent twinkletoes (who usually struggle to connect coherent sentences) can line the pockets of legal beagles and get them to cover a multitude of their sins.

And now - to heap absurdity upon absurdity - the Powers That Be have threatened to arrest and incarcerate anyone who chatters and twitters the nameless names of any of the feckless idiots who've donated from their deep pockets to the legal fraternity. I forsee that every drinking Northumbrian yeoman and artisan is going to be in prison soon. I hope they've got enough cells - they're already over-populated with old dears who've wickedly allowed their dogs to pass brown judgement on the paths and pavements of Northumbria.. O tempus, O mores.

For the thirty million (unknown) footballers, I have a piece of CC advice - fresh from the cat's mouth. Take up a hobby; learn to read books, knit or shoot longbows. It'll keep you out of mischief and save you a vast amount of money, since it'll keep it out of the pockets of the lawyers. And stay at home with the wife. I'm sure she has some jobs you can do around the house. Do Something Constructive.

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