Monday 26 September 2011

Spherical and in the Plural

is a Very Important Day in the lovely country of Northumbria. It's a day of momentous significance because the soothsayers Beeby See (she of the Common-as-muck Era) and her fanatical, vicious and acne-infested friend Guardy-Ann have declared it to be so, and who are we mere creatures to question their unquestionably highly developed judgment? It must therefore be thus.

For the benefit of those readers in a state of blissful unawareness, today is the launch of the Redistributionist Faction's Annual Unfortunates' Outing And Picnic. We're in the season of these august September and October gatherings, all of which are as part and parcel of the historic Northumbrian calendar as Wintervaltide and the Feast of Fluffy Chicks and Bunnies' Eggs.

Naturally, the people of Northumbria are highly excited about this particular Picnic, and they're all - to a man, woman, child, cat, dog, pigeon and fox - yearning to hear what new pearls of wisdom are going to drip from the eloquent and erudite chops of the Redistributionist politicos, who are taking a well-deserved rest from their ninety thousand years in office. The process of spending taxpayers' money like water and bankrupting the Kingdom is crushingly tiring and burdensome, so they've retreated to the place of His Majesty's Loyal Opposition, while the Tree/Liberationist Alliance Administration - like a relay runner - continues the heady task of taxing and regulating the population into a state of penury and penal servitude. Bless.

Feaxede the Fox and I went along to the Picnic to see if we could scrounge some tasty exotic food, as we both know for a certainty that Redistributionists are particularly endowed with discerning taste for fine and expensive fare. At the taxpayers' expense, naturally. When we got into the Moot building, the odour of unwashed armpits, feet and pungent posteriors was overpowering. So we decided to keep a safe distance until our delicate olefactory faculties were acclimatised to the toxic atmosphere. It took a few hours. No one else seemed to notice this at all..

To commence the mounting excitement of the week, Edweird the Spheres - the chronically mendacious fat boy of the Faction has taken his stand and publicly declared that the Public Spending Cuts - which have been imposed by the Evil Tree/Liberationist Administration in attempt to fill the abyss of bankruptcy and insolvency - will continue under a new Redistributionist government. Now, the significance of this statement hasn't escaped the attention of this Cat - nor the Fox. We know - for we remember - that Edweird the Spheres was one of the henchment of former Beloved Leader Guffmund the Brown - he who rescued the entire world from the ravages of solvency. If my memory serves me correctly, he was a Special Advisor to Guffo, and his wise and well-intentioned advice played a significant part in contributing to the unholy financial mess the Kingdom is now in.

In view of the fact that for ages the Redistributionists have been consistently criticising the Tree/Liberationist Administration for imposing the Cuts and destroying the livelihoods of countless pigeon psychologists, cat license administrators, diversity coordinators and other assorted non-jobs, it really doesn't make sense for Eddy to announce such a startling contradiction of his previously held position.

I have a theory: I believe that in an attempt to woo the public and the impressionable window-lickers of his Faction, Eddy has taken a particularly potent species of hallucinogenic mushroom. Feaxede thinks he's just saying the first thing that comes into his head. He might actually be right; Eddy's very good at that..

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