Friday 18 November 2011

Wurst Of All

In light of the recent collapses of the Greek and Roman tragedies, resulting in the ousting of their respective monarchs (Georgios Papadocduvalis the Greek, and the ancient priapic buffoon Silvius Berlusconius), that stronghold of chronic venality, the Holy Roman Empire (which is neither holy, Roman nor an empire) hasn't wasted a moment of precious time.

The Evil Emperor, His Most Holy Highness, Pope Jose Borracho, aided by his half-witted henchman Hermit the Rumphole, have speedily installed their house-trained placemats to run the affairs of the unfortunate kingdoms. The citizens of these respective countries have been tickled pink at this new development, since they all face the prospect of even greater degrees of grinding poverty, debt and other forms of light entertainment and fishpaste. They also love the idea of surrendering the last remaining breadcrumbs of their sovereignty (such as it is) to the Evil Intergalactic Federation.

Among the nations of this malevolent confederation, the financial powerhouse of the Holy Roman Empire (which is neither holy, Roman nor an empire) is found in the Kingdom of the Westphalians. Of common stock to the Anglo-Saxons who grace these island shores, the Westphalians are a warlike and industrious race who chew ale and drink sausages noisily to the sound of oompah bands. Their warlike disposition has led them to expand their sphere of influence at the tip of a loving sword or spear, and this propensity for conquest has brought them into nasty conflict with their equally bellicose Anglo-Saxon cousins, with disastrous consequences for the former each time.

Nevertheless, the Northumbrian King Alhfrith has decided to let bygones be bygones, and the respective First Ministers of the Northumbrian and Westphalian provinces have been good companions, jocularly jousting over a friendly bock and knackwurst and enjoying a private joke at the expense of the feckless Latins and Greeks. Ha Ha, belch.

Since the Westphalian economy is far more robust than those of the subsumed Roman and Greek ones, and helps to prop up the wasteful and despised Holy Roman Empire (which is neither holy, Roman nor an empire), the Westphalian Queen Haglera Möchel has been able to take charge of the Great Credit Crisis, and has been instrumental in setting up the provincial satrap puppets in the Roman and Greek kingdoms. Of course, this has been under the benign nod and smiling approval of Joeboy. Hoorah, hoorah for de-mockery-cy, ja?

And Dagwald Caedmeron - the Chief Cock and Bluebottle Washer of the Tree/Liberationist Alliance Administration - is going over to Westphalia to pay court to the Teutonic Queen. Feaxede the fox and I have reached the conclusion that the real reason for gracing her with his presence is either that he's going to submit the Northumbrian treasurer Oswine's new Cuts Budget for her approval - or he's simply on the scrounge. Westphalian sausages and beer are to die for, so they tell me.

While the Westphalians have failed with the sword, they've made their mark in other ways. And sadly, it doesn't come out in the Monday morning laundry, either..

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