Wednesday 2 November 2011

Dereliction of Duty

Oh dear. Things really have gone belly-up here in the lovely country of Northumbria. Following the account I gave the other day about the cat called Duty, who - to everyone's wild excitement - was reunited with her original family after some cat-napping skulduggery by the Liberationist politico's spiteful former wife, it now appears that the restored cat wasn't Duty at all. The missing moggy was a small tabby, but it has come to light that the feline who has recently been returned to the distraught family was substantially larger in frame, and was black with a white bib and mittens, and a litter of kittens. It's an easy mistake to make - especially if you're human, and either oblivious or chronically stupid. Or Liberationist.

Thus the story returns full circle, and the mystery is still unsolved. The original Duty may have been taken by cruel hands and (horribile dictu) murdered; felicide is the crime that dare not speak its name in this Realm. It's tragically a feature of the seamy and dark Northumbrian underbelly; I wish I didn't have to say it, but I'm afraid it's true. If the woman did commit such a deed, then retribution will be swift and deadly. My big feline friend Leo has large claws and humungous teeth..

Of course, there may have been a less sombre explanation of the mystery; it could simply be that Duty had a glorious and noble pedigree, and was eagerly sought by kleptomaniac predators and stolen to order - and an inferior replacement has been supplied as a sop to the distressed owner and family. It wouldn't be the first time that such a thing had happened. The Greeks once had a Kingdom renowned for its retsina, olives and democracy - until the degenerate Emperor Jose Borracho seized it and absorbed it into the trashy Holy Roman Empire (which is neither holy, Roman nor an empire). The replacement they were supplied with in return was vaguely similar to the stolen original - until the reality dawned on the Greeks that years of equality coordinators, homeopathic diversity administrators and pigeon psychiatrists had been costing them vast amounts of money that they no longer had. Since the hapless Kingdom has been offered generous terms for a financial bailout of the Holy Groat involving the alluring prospect of grinding poverty and slavery, the Greeks are wanting their old Kingdom back. Like the foolish owners of Duty, they should have kept a more careful guard on their cherished possession. You don't know what you've got until it's gone..

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