Monday 30 January 2012

Bonus Balls

The sails keep turning and the millstones of folly continue to grind here in the beautiful Kingdom of Northumbria. Through the faithful reporting of our beloved soothsayers, the news has got out that there's been an enormous to-do about bonus groats that were due to be awarded to Edweird the Milliner - the Dear and Heavenly Leader of the Redistributionist Faction. This award amounted to several billions of holy groats, and was intended to be awarded by our noble Sovereign King Alhfrith (at taxpayers' expense, of course) to Eddy for his significant successes in bringing the Redistributionist Faction out from the slimy pit of intellectual and ideological darkness into its Promised Land of obscurity.

Hooray for Eddy and the cause of Monotonous Equality and Misery For All! I was so pleased for him when I heard the news. It couldn't happen to a more wonderful politico... well, I suppose it could, but never mind. We are where we are.

Naturally, the other politicos were up in arms about this. How dare a man - who's never been short of a few million groats here or there - accept such an enormous sum of money for doing a job he's already paid to do? Wasn't a salary agreed when he shoved his sibling out of the way and took the crown of the Redistributionist Faction Leadership for himself? Of course, it's patently clear that it's simply sour grapes on the part of those whose outlook is shaped by envy and small-mindedness.

But to gauge public feeling on the matter, I went on my walkabout around my own feline kingdom, keeping a ready ear tuned to the passing gossip and grumbles of the townspeople of the idyllic fishing settlement of Streonaeshalch. The subject of this contentious bonus award wasn't far from the lips of most of the townspeople - and they all - to the last man and woman - cursed the poor fellow for being the fortunate recipient of such a generous reward - especially in such times of poverty, deprivation, suffering and business.

In the end, the news emerged from the soothsayers that Edweird - in view of overwhelming political pressure - not to mention public revulsion - has magnanimously declined the kind offer and has gone back to his meagre wage of seventy million holy groats.

It's so terribly sad. I feel as heartbroken as a Cat could be. Oh, the folly of the public! Oh, the short-sightedness of the politicos. Don't they realise that this award is actually keeping him in the driving seat of the Redistributionist Faction - and as long as he's there, he's keeping the Redistributionists away from the reins of power? The money they would save in the award is small beer by comparison with what those donkeys would spend if they got a grip on the Kingdom's throat once again..

I despair.

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