Tuesday 17 January 2012

Habeas Abbur's Corpus

The Northumbrian Kingdom - increasingly stifled by the deadweight of Holy Roman Empire (which is neither holy, Roman nor an empire) law - has had a rather embarrassing problem on its hands. This little piece of inconvenience takes the long-bearded form of a Viking warrior priest called Abbur Gut-harrdur. This fine specimen - a devotee of the Viking Eddas and violent campaigner for a universal Viking religion - is an erstwhile colleague and mucker of the late and lamented Olaf Ladensson, the loveable and cheeky rogue, who inspired thousands of fly agaric-chewing Vikings to wreak havoc and destruction on the Christianised Anglo-Saxon world, and who was obliging enough to be allegedly assassinated by Ultima Thule chieftain Bugrake O'Drama's henchmen.

Abbur Gut-harrdur
has been an esteemed visitor to these shores, and has endeared himself to the indigenous people by gently suggesting to his knuckle-dragging followers that they would earn extra Brownie points with their chief god Odin if they were to destroy every trace of the accursed Anglo-Saxons and their civilisation, and set up a new Viking colony, ruled by the harsh laws their sacred handbook, the Eddas. Bless. Unfortunately, Abbur Gut-harrdur outstayed his welcome and the Anglo-Saxons are becoming deeply concerned.

The Northumbrian Administration - headed up by Dagwald Caedmeron - the Chief Cock and Bluebottle-Washer of the Tree Faction - was anxious to remove this hirsute pest and pustule from our blessed shores, thus shunting the problem into someone else's direction. But to do this he's had to appeal to a higher authority than Good King Alhfrith, our Great Monarch.

Sadly, following an impassioned appeal to Holy Roman Empire Supremo Emperor Jose Borracho and his half-witted henchman Hermit the Rumphole, Caddy Boy was cruelly overruled. These Vikings have rights, so he stays put. Now run along and play, there's a good boy.

This Cat has a suggestion for Caddy Boy. All he needs to do is to have a quiet word in Bugrake O'Drama's shell-like. I'm sure they could come to some kind of an arrangement..

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