Winner Takes All

The wheels of human imbecility continue to grind relentlessly here in Northumbria.

Yesterday, there was an election in Auldholme, one of our provincial settlements in the west of our lovely country. The reason for this was that the previous Redistributionist Witangemot member - Woodlouse - had been unceremoniously removed from office, thus leaving the place vulnerable and unrepresented. This tragic and appalling state of affairs could not be allowed to continue, so an election was duly called.

Woodlouse had been ejected from his privileged seat for doing what comes so naturally to members of the Witangemot in general - and Redistributionists in particular. He'd been found guilty of lying about one of his rivals. Since mendacity is as natural to the Witangemot as breathing and excreting, I'm struggling to understand why this is such a big deal.

The only slant I can put on it is that in this case, Woodlouse was discovered to have lied, when the prevailing culture in politics seems to value those who lie in a truthful way (if you see what I mean). Woodlouse had lied in a mendacious way. That's what I think - for what it's worth. Make of it what you will.

Anyway. The most important development arising from this is that today we've heard the results of the local Great Count (where each member of the electorate casts a stick into the bin marked with the name of the candidate he or she votes for). The Redistributionist candidate was duly elected to replace Woodlouse. Oh, joyful day. The soothsayers are very excited about it. The last time I saw such delirious activity was when Caedmeron farted loudly in a solemn public occasion - and then went on to say that the winds of change were coming to Northumbria. These two events were not deliberately connected, but the excitement generated was palpable and intense. The Witangemot correspondents were kept busy for several weeks; they actually had to work for their groats for once.

The Redistributionist leader - Edweard the Milliner - has declared this result to be an outstanding victory. A new era has begun. The loyal people of Auldholme have voted for change as a result of the general discontent regarding the public expenditure cuts. The noble people of Auldholme have spoken and have sent the clear signal to the Trees/Liberationist alliance that they are not prepared to tolerate the sight of fish quota accountants, diversity coordinators and pigeon psychologists languishing in redundancy and grinding poverty. Whatever.

In actual fact, the virtuous people of Auldholme voted for the Redistributionist candidate because - like oxen - they are creatures of habit. They've always voted for Redistributionist candidates. So did their ancestors in neolithic times. And - despite the extravagant claims of Edweard the Milliner, they didn't vote according to some grand intellectual process; they voted because of basic, instinctive and tribal loyalties. The Red rosette would have been enough. If a goat had been presented as a Redistributionist candidate - and wore the requisite colour - it would now be the Honourable Member for Auldholme. He would then happily contribute to the braying and bleating that passes for debate in the Witangemot chamber. I think he would be a noble champion of their cause, too.

Frankly though, it doesn't matter who wins in these elections. They're all dominated by the noblemen and the rich moneylenders, who throw groats at them and oblige them to carry out their predetermined programme - and foist it onto a remarkably docile and bovine public who are too undiscerning to know any better. They get what they deserve.

As I was saying to my feline pals the other day - this is what provides my entertainment. But they look blankly at me as if I've grown two heads...