Tuesday, 5 April 2011

Whiting Writing Wrong

Sometimes - in my weaker moments - I wonder whether the wheels of human imbecility will ever stop turning; from time to time I have to be reminded by Caedmon or one of the monks at the Streonaeshalch Abbey that the effects of the Fall - including death, disease, decay, decadence, hubris, fleas, flatulence, flies, fevers and monumental stupidity - will one day cease on the Day when the Almighty regenerates all things. As far as I'm concerned, as a cat, that day can't come soon enough. It's not our jolly fault that Adam trespassed the Divine Injunction and consequently opened the Pandora's Box of evil and imbecility upon the world. We critters just have to put up with it - and that's what we do.

But - until such a time, I have to hear things like this piece of news I came by today: an atheist philosopher called Hazy Dizzy Whiting has decided to write an atheist's Bible. Just in case you've missed this in your speed-reading haste, sit down slowly and take this in. I repeat - an atheist has decided to write an atheist's Bible. Take a swig of something strong, people - you read it correctly.

My human master Caedmon refers to atheists as irrational theologians, and I'm inclined to agree with him; they vehemently deny that the Almighty exists. In fact, they're so obsessed with this damn-fool idea that they simply aren't content to let the matter rest there; they're also intent on foisting their religion on those who don't happen to share their wild-eyed enthusiasm for a philosophy of pointless absurdity and hopelessness. That's certainly irrational. Now, I may be a dumb animal, but it occurs to me that if atheism were self-evident, they wouldn't need to continually attempt to prove it to a skeptical majority. Sooner or later, the reasonableness of it would be obvious to to all, and its godless premise would bed itself down in human consciousness. But it doesn't. And it won't, because it can't. Before we even begin to consider atheism, there's already a 'Theos' to prefix the letter 'A' with. What are the first four words of Sacred Writ? In the beginning, God. Bereshith Elohim. In principia Deus. En arche epoiesen ho Theos.

And for goodness' sake - why has Hazy Dizzy Whiting found it necessary to write an alternative Bible? What's all that about? Is he extracting the smelly yellow waste? Is it really necessary to ape Jannes and Jambres in Pharaoh's court and do a monkey's imitation of the real thing? Does the whiff of sulphur reach my nostrils?

And what does this piece of fantasy fiction have to say? For a distillation of its metaphysical content, do we read:

In the Beginning, Hazy Dizzy Whiting Redefined the Mysteries Of Life..
Eat, Drink and Be Merry - for Tomorrow You Die.
If You're Near the End of the Road, Tough Luck, Pal.
Prepare For Nothing: Life is a Sick Joke...?

What are his ethical teachings? Are they such as:

Be a Good Boy.
Share the Magic Mushrooms - don't keep them all for Yourself.
Be Nice to Animals and Other People?
Don't Pull Wings Off Butterflies...?

I hope he's written some nice stories to replace the accounts of Israel and the Early Church. Can you imagine it being read at the bedside of a dying man or woman? Or being used to comfort a bereaved person? Hmmm..

It sounds to me like a celebration of window-licking barminess. I predict that it will become a best seller, make Hazy Dizzy Whiting a few groats, and it will collect dust on bookshelves, unloved, forgotten and unread. I don't think Caedmon will buy it. Unless it sells cheaper than firewood...


  1. Jannes and Jambres are two characters in my third book - members of Them.

  2. They were also the names of my 2 pet hamsters - but I fear I was a little too rough with them ;-(