Thursday, 24 March 2011

Beeby's Tinkers for Mushroom Thinkers

Oh dear me: things are getting quite out of hand here in the lovely Kingdom of Northumbria. Here was me thinking that yesterday's Oswine Budget was exciting enough (I'm still recovering from my prolonged attendance at the local Streonaeshalch celebrations), but this - my dear reader - takes the biscuit. It appears that our despised trollop and soothsayer Beeby See has been sticking her greasy, blackheaded conk into the Census business, and has been reporting to the open-mouthed, fly-catching populace that religion in this Kingdom is in decline. Duhhhh. And she gets paid to tell us that? Pah!

As far as I can see, the exercise of Christian duties has been in decline in the Kingdom for some considerable time; the Anglo-Saxon folk are so accustomed to a constant stream of trash from the soothsayers, who - in the most entertaining ways possible - speak peace to their addled consciences, while the reality is that peace of mind is a commodity rarer than rocking horse dung. Faith has been systematically redirected from the teachings of Bible and Church to the theatrical slobberings of shamans, who authoritatively pontificate about the beginning of the Universe, and assertively tell the gullible that they descended from worms, hedgehogs and other wild animals. And they keep a straight face, too. I don't know what the mushrooms are that these shamans are chewing, but it's certainly powerful stuff...

The decline of true religion in this Kingdom has been a project dear to the heart of the nobles and the other powerful figures who pull the strings and provide the groats and mushrooms for their willing lackeys. After all, the fear of a King greater than Caesar (or our ancient King Alhfrith) simply won't do; loyalties are divided when the fear of the Almighty dominates communities and the relationships that make them stick together. No man can serve two masters, as the Redeemer said. Our eminences grises want a single loyalty, so they've decided that the fear of God must go. Dream on, turkeys. Of course, that's not the only factor in this equation. The pride of kings and princes is a monkey's imitation of the pride of Lucifer, who was driven out of Heaven for his brazen cheek and selfish ambition. We know where that inevitably leads...

But perhaps this outburst from the old tart has something to do with the forthcoming Census, which asks the hapless denizens of the Kingdom what their professed religion is; perhaps she wants to influence the response of the public by sowing the seed into their vacant minds. The Northumbrian Godless Society are very anxious to rule the Christian religion out of existence - and it's my suspicion that they also enjoy the generous financial and (im)moral support of the power-crazed King Jose Borracho, his half-witted henchman Hermit and the legions of princes and satraps in the burgeoning Holy Roman Empire (which is neither holy, Roman nor an empire). After all, if you don't believe in a God to whom you're personally accountable, you can do whatever you like - or, at least that's how their thinking works. But any fool knows that God - like reality (over which He presides) - simply can't cease to exist when you close your eyes.

Caedmon tells me that he's going to write 'Christian' on his Census form. If I were in his shoes, I'd leave the question blank - or write something caustic. It's not the business of the powers that be what our beliefs and convictions are...


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