Friday, 1 April 2011

Money. Sup. Lie.

Last year, when the Tree/Liberationist Alliance took political office here in the lovely country of Northumberland, we were informed that, upon assuming office, the sparkling new Treasurer and Bean Counter was greeted by a snot-caked piece of vellum which had been left by his fly agaric-chewing Redistributionist predecessor. On this vellum were inscribed the words:  "Sorry, pal. No more groats. Have a nice day. Ta-ta!"

The reason for this is that during their time in office, the Redistributionists spent and borrowed as if groats were as abundant as water or fresh air. They created myriads of pseudo-jobs for their loyal friends and supporters, blissfully ignoring the unpalatable fact that these new occupations didn't actually generate any new money at all: they simply drained the existing resources of the genuine stuff which was extorted from the long-suffering populace through taxation. Following the inevitable collapse of various money-lending establishments, they cheerfully intervened to prop up the ailing groat boats to keep them afloat. In doing so, they pledged money that didn't actually exist, but they gambled on the premise that it would be available in the future - as long as there are enough good people in this Kingdom available for the next ten thousand years to make up the shortfall through their own hard work. Hmmm...

On taking office, the Tree/Liberationist Alliance soon became aware of the parlous state of the Kingdom's finances and promptly set about remedying the severe debt problem by announcing cuts in public spending. These have been the target of a concerted hate campaign by the politically impartial Redistributionist soothsayers Beeby See, Guardy-Ann and the magic mushroom-led Redistributionists themselves. Day after day has brought forth a litany of miseries and woes from (specially handpicked and scripted) victims of some devastation or other which is immediately attributed to the Spending Cuts of Those Nasty, Malevolent Trees and their Liberationist lapdogs. Whatever.

The Tree/Lib Alliance don't seem too fazed about the adverse publicity their measures are attracting. They are going to address the problem and pull us out of the pit of perdition. They're going to pay off the debt. As I've said before - I still don't know who the lucky people are who stand to get their money back with the colossal interest accrued along the way. Nobody even gives this as much as a passing thought...


If we are to believe what we are told by the soothsayers, we're in deepest doo-doo. Big time. No. Really. The bailiffs are beating a path to our door with their eye on the family silver and the lead on the roof.

I don't know if I'm stupid (after all, I'm classed as a dumb animal), but I can't help thinking that we're getting mixed messages. One the one hand we're being told that there's no more groats, but this is also accompanied by  news that the preparations for the forthcoming Holy Roman Empire (which is neither holy, Roman nor an empire) Games is going well. The new military campaign in Cyrene is in progress - along with the one in Bactria, which has been smouldering for millennia. A new rate for old age pensions is announced. Caedmeron is having his hair cut. Walthelm and Gytha's Big Royal Wedding is going to happen soon to cheer everyone up. The Wedding Supper is going to be lavish and extensive. (But not for the Unwashed Masses. Let them eat cake.) In similar vein, the awkward fantasist fruitcake Edweird The Milliner is also going to tie the knot. (Does his wife know yet?) The ruts in the roads (created by severe winters and worn through the dragging of generations of knuckles) are going to be repaired.

All this costs money. Money that doesn't exist. Or does it? Is there a special Secret Groat Fairy somewhere who waves a shining wand, recites an incantation and generates groats ex nihilo? I'll tell you what I think; it's my considered opinion that the Witangemot illusionists are telling one story to keep the window-licking public entertained with gloom and despondency - and the fairy does the rest. It all makes sense...

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