Caddy's Great Expedition and Secret Agenda

Dagwald Caedmeron - the Supreme Scarlet Emperor and Chief Cock and Bluebottle-Washer of the Tree/Liberationist Administration in the lovely Kingdom of Northumbria - has been a busy chap of late. Not content to rest on his laurels after declaring his commitment to rewriting his own version of the Book of Genesis and redefining marriage, Caddy Boy has ventured on a Great Expedition westwards in the last couple of days.

It isn't sufficient for Dagwald Caedmeron to be a mere politico: any fool can do that; all it takes is an acquired ability to say nothing in many words and appear sincere. No, this intrepid fellow is intent on exploring the remotest parts of the earth in a quest to extend his notoriety for future generations; the pursuit of a reputation is indeed a harsh taskmaster.

He's set sail for the distant and as yet undiscovered shores of Ultima Thule, in a bid to visit the legendary Bugrake O'Barmy, the tribal chieftain over the aforesaid land. Bugrake O'Barmy is a living legend, renowned for a silver tongue, a cool and trendy persona and mesmerising powers of oratory, and like King Solomon of the Old Testament, Caddy Boy is venturing - somewhat like the Queen of Sheba - to pay court to this enigmatic despot, whose vice-regent is Elvey Preslode, the equally legendary crooner, whose tragic death has - by all accounts - been greatly exaggerated.

I haven't had the good fortune to sail the seas to join him in his quest, and even Lareow - his faithful moggy and Mouse Terminator Supremo - has had to maintain his post at home. For all that, your Kitty can well imagine the topics of conversation that will take place when these kindred spirits meet on those distant and as yet undiscovered shores.

They will talk about the Special Relationship that exists between the Kingdom of Northumbria and Ultima Thule. Visiting Northumbrian dignitaries always talk about this with Ultima Thule despots, but it amounts to nothing more significant than a series of exchanged platitudes, and may be used as a verbal smokescreen to conceal irritation or resentment.

They will of course congratulate each other on their magnificent achievements in maintaining the rapid downhill political, moral, social and economic descent of their respective spheres of government. It's tough to be at the top of kingdoms that have more debt than the sum total of the entire world's resources. They'll probably exchange top tips about achieving more power and control over the bovine masses, and exacting yet more money out of them through taxation, business and ting.

They'll talk about the removal of their respective soldiers from the expensive and pointless wars of the Bactrian wastelands, who after several decades, are now getting bored and fed up with being attacked by wild turbanned tribesmen for the inconsequential sin of being foreign and being there.

But the real reason for this visit is beyond the narrow vista of the soothsayers. Dagwald Caedmeron - the Supreme Scarlet Emperor and Chief Cock and Bluebottle-Washer of the Tree/Liberationist Administration in the lovely Kingdom of Northumbria - is discussing in secret the new tactic adopted by the Kingdom of Northumbria for the Holy Roman Empire (which is neither holy, Roman nor an empire) Song Contest. For thousands of years, the Northumbrian Kingdom has been warded nul points by the Frankish and Westphalian tribal judges, and Caddy Boy has decided that Enough is Enough. He's announced the latest weapon in the form of Anglebert Gimperdonck - the bejewelled ancient songster from the bowels of Leire's Kingdom.

Being something of a song and dance man himself, Bugrake O'Barmy is well placed to advise him..