Wednesday 28 March 2012
In these straitened times following the Great Credit Catastrophe - when cash is more rare than rocking horse dungarees - it's so unspeakably wonderful to bask in the assurance that the Tree/Liberationist Administration over the lovely Kingdom of Northumbria is taking decisive steps to remedy this awful fiscal plight we're in.
Having had to impose the most savage Public Expenditure Cuts since the beginning of recorded time and business, Dagwald Caedmeron - the Chief Cock and Bluebottle Washer of the Tree Faction, and Illustrious Guiding Light of the Administration - has directed the attention of his crusty trusty Treasurer Oswine (the Custodian of the Kingdom's Debt) to the additional treasures that still remain to be milked from the long-suffering and bovine Northumbrian populace. In view of the fact that the majority of the population are already in the direst debt, poverty and nonsense, this has all the appearance of being a most imaginative and ingenious plan. Three cheers for political resourcefulness! Hip, Hip, zzzzzzzzzzzz.......
The first Great Step in this campaign to restore the long-disappeared fortunes of the Kingdom is to raise a new tax levy on hot pies. This is a most bold step, considering that the majority of the impoverished (and negatively wealthy) Northumbrian people are already consumers of these delicacies. Pie-sellers adorn the streets and lanes of the King's Highway like dog droppings, selling their wares to hungry working ploughmen who've forgotten their bread and cheese lunches, hung-over mead and ale conoisseurs, busy mothers who simply don't have the time to cook for their own families, and elderly pensioners who drop copious amounts of crumbs as their toothless gums tackle the matter in hand.
The Redistributionists are already in arms about this, accusing Caedmeron and Oswine of waging a Holy War against poor people. In view of the fact that most of the Redistributionists are richer than Croesus, nobody is too convinced by their specious arguments and posturings. But they had to say it, just the same..
The pies - whether hedgehog and hedgerow special, rabbit steak and rhubarb or the plain and simple rat meat - must be served hot to merit the additional tax levy. This will (of course) be eagerly welcomed by the public, who are only too happy to suffer the indignity of yet more governmental extortion for the Greater Interest Of The Kingdom - and Caedmeron's Glorious Reputation. But I suspect that the quantities of pies sold will rapidly diminish as the regular punters at these pie emporiums realise that they have even less cash available to keep body and soul together. Then I predict that the Hot Pies will be stored in a cool chest and served to the public as cold delicacies. They will of course be served under plain wrappers...