Friday, 27 April 2012

Men Of The People

Sorry I haven't been blogging very much lately, people; the fact of the matter is that I've been on a Special Mission which has taken up an inordinate amount of my precious time. If you remember in my joyful summary of the current state of things, you'll know that I referred to a wild and scurrilous accusation directed at Dagwald Caedmeron - the Supreme Egg-nog and Holy Commander of the dearly beloved Tree/Liberationist Alliance Administration - and his faithful side-kick Oswine, who has the enviable office of Keeper of the Kingdom's Debt and Raider of the Empty Chest.

In my resumé the other day, I mentioned that these fine fellows were accused by a vehemently venomous Witangemot politico of being poor little privileged rich boys who haven't the first clue about the price of a loaf of bread and a flagon of ale, and who had no trace of sympathy or the tender bowels of empathy for the long-suffering and hard-pressed Northumbrian population. This outburst of vituperative rhetoric and biscuit didn't happen without some kind of context; the politico, Noddy Doorways - a human of the female persuasion, renowned for a campaigning spirit - had previously been made the butt of ribald jokes by Caddy and Ossy. Very silly. Furthermore, the onslaught of the Sacred Cuts to Public Expenditure - mercilessly plugged by the boys and their cronies as being Vitally Necessary for the salvation of the Northumbrian Kingdom's Blessed Economy has caused hardship through unemployment, as well as reduced benefits to the indigent sections of the populace.

But I was provoked to ask myself: did she have a point? Were Doorways' accusations merely the hysterical outpourings of a woman scorned? Your intrepid Cat decided that it was his solemn duty to find out. So as a first step, I checked with my friend Lareow - the Sanctified Rodent Controller at Caddy's enormously opulent Official Residence. When I asked him his opinion about Caddy and Oswine - their status in Northumbrian society and their capacity to understand and sympathise with the Poor People, Lareow looked blankly at me as if I'd grown a second head, and walked away with a sigh..

Undaunted by such an uncharacteristic response, I made it my business to investigate for myself. I hopped onto their window ledges and hung around, listening in to their conversations between themselves and with their colleagues. I spent a great deal of time in this investigation, and as a result, I can feed the fruits of my findings to you!

Caddy and Oswine are both very wealthy fellows, and they live in the manner of the Redistributionist politicos they aspire to emulate, who feast on the finest fare and keep the company of those who roll in Holy Groats. Never did I see either of them go to the nearest shambles to pick up a loaf of bread. They didn't even frequent the local mead and alehouses to share in a tipple; they much preferred the finest wines from the vineyards of Charlemagne.

In one respect, Noddy Doorways was quite correct: they're both fabulously affluent. But I can attest that they love the Poor. I know this because they were making plans to drive some peasants out from their respective estates to set up their hovels elsewhere. It's a sport they particularly love, I believe..

Half marks for Noddy!

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