Monday, 16 April 2012

The Story So Far - II

The lovely Kingdom of Northumbria - in the deepest, direst mire of debt issuing from the Great Credit Catastrophe - lies under the grip of crazed magic mushroom-chewing despot Dagwald Caedmeron - the Chief Cock and Bluebottle Washer of the Tree/Liberationist Alliance Administration. His stated mission - to liberate the long-suffering Northumbrian people from the intellectual, financial and political chains of Redistributionism - has mysteriously changed its scope, purpose, shape, underwear and direction, as - contrary to his original objectives - he and his heroic henchmen introduce ever more draconian laws and increased taxation, leaving the population in a perpetual state of bewilderment and fishpaste.

In the meantime, Caedmeron's bitter rival to the seat of power - the salivatory Edweird the Milliner - leads the valiant Opposition to the formidable farces of the Tree and Liberationist Factions. Aided and abetted by his loyal accomplices - the deluded and bilious soothsayers Beeby See and Guardy-Ann - Eddy scores astonishing victories for the Working Classes (i.e. those faithful, groat-pocketing members of the Redistributionist Faction - not to be confused with those members of the human race who actually work for a living) in the Eternal Struggle against knowledge, free speech, fairness, decency, solvency and prosperity. His new Secret Weapon in his armoury is Kenwald the Deadweight - the former Great Alderman of Yorvik, who's competing for the coveted office against his charismatic old adversary Beoris the Blond. But Kenwald the Deadweight - elderly, uliginous erstwhile amphibian Newt Emperor - has displayed an alarming propensity exercising his tear ducts, putting him at a distinct disadvantage... It's so terribly sad.

Will Caedmeron succeed in bringing the Northumbrian Kingdom under the malevolent yoke of the Holy Roman Empire (which is neither holy, Roman nor an empire)? Will he fall under the fatal charms of ambitious King Jose Borracho and his half-witted handyman Hermit the Rumphole? Will the Northumbrian population continue to eagerly await and applaud the next restriction and price increase in the name of the Common Good? Can Caddy Boy succeed in bringing the entire Kingdom under the malign slavery of his paymasters (whoever they are)? Will his Pyramid building project in the North Yorvik Dales succeed without straw? Can he dance the polka?

Perhaps we'll never know. But if you want the remotest chance of finding out, you'll need to stay tuned to the Cat, people...

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