Monday, 2 July 2012
The Story So Far - III
For the benefit of those readers who have either arrived too late or already lost the plot, here is a resumé to lighten the darkness and clear the fog:
The lovely Kingdom of Northumbria - jewel of the Known World - has been hijacked and commandeered by a secretive, slimy sinister cult, headed up by Dagwald Caedmeron - the Twinkling Star and Principal Fallen Angel Cake of the Tree/Liberationist Alliance Administration. Their business is ostensibly to steer the Beautiful Realm into the Elysian Fields of prosperity and plenty.
To propagate the illusion that this is indeed their stated Glorious Purpose, the high priests, gurus, executives and apparatchiks of the aforementioned uliginous, demon-worshipping sect have painstakingly constructed a sophisticated propaganda machine, using the soothsayers Beeby See, impetigo-bespotted Guardy-Ann, the Windy Pedant, Dellimell and the Echo of Sunderland as their mouthpieces. Most of the Northumbrian serfs, nobles and squirrels are unaware of this gross deception; besotted by the bedazzling skills and oratory of twinkle-toed Madcaster Untied football hero Wade Rune and the scintillating and charismatic charms of Father Simeon the Cowl, the good folk of the Kingdom are being robbed, fobbed, lobbed, mobbed and slobbed out by the intoxicating fumes and assorted foul odours of the secret cult's apparatus. Meanwhile, the Great Malicious Work carries on behind closed doors...
Behind this mise en scène lurks the malevolent, shadowy figure of His Holiness Emperor Jose Borracho - the King Ratbiscuit of the Holy Roman Empire (which is as holy as Wade Rune's feet at half-time, as Roman as a Bactrian camel and an empire in name only), accompanied by Hermit the Rumphole, his court jester and pet mouse. Having dominated all the tribes of the Known World with their foul business, Joe Boy is consolidating his grip on the Northumbrian Realm and is secretly issuing commands to Caedmeron in order to bring Northumbria into line with his fell purposes.
Can straight-talking Nickwald the Forage foil this dastardly plot and awaken the Northumbrians to the reality of their perilous plight? Can Edweird the Milliner walk and chew the Sacred Mushrooms at the same time? Is it lunchtime yet?