Friday 23 November 2012
The disastrous vote in the Great Northumbrian Church Council has brought about widespread hysteria, panic, agony, soul-searching and biscuit, and the soothsayers have been assiduously dissecting the result, and gravely predicting the imminent demise of the Church. This has been a golden opportunity in every place for heated discussions and rational debate with axes, as people who'd never normally darken the doors of a church building have suddenly crept out of the woodwork as self-appointed theologians, advocating the hip, cool and trendy new doctrine of Fluffy Diversity. Beeby See - the impartial soothsayer who speaks exclusively for the hip, cool and trendy Redistributionists - has wheeled out such experts in boundless abundance from whichever warehouse they're stored. A Day of Mourning has recently been announced throughout the Kingdom, and flags hang limply at half-mast in the rain. It's all so terribly sad; if this Cat could shed tears, he certainly would. But at least I can take a well-deserved dump..
Whatever. Following hot on the heels of this devastating development has been the latest disclosure from the soothsayers that a man has been observed to have climbed upon the Anglo-Saxon cross in the middle of Yorvik. This has caused considerable distress for passers-by and innocent onlookers, bystanders and suchlike, as the man in question isn't adequately dressed for a chilly early winter's day. In fact, he isn't wearing anything at all. The spectacle of a stark-naked man in such an elevated location has caused unspeakable disruption, as crowds of people have stopped to watch in equal measures of awe-struck admiration and open-mouthed, fly-catching dumb wonder. It's more than apparent that a great number of people have never seen a naked person before - and in today's temperatures, it's small wonder ;0)
Rumour has it (I'm unable to verify this, so please don't pass this on as established fact) that the offender who is making such a small-scale (and greatly diminished) public statement is none other than His Holiness Georges Moonbat, the Great High Priest of the Redistributionist Global Warming Cult and wild-eyed devotee of the Most Holy Mother Earth. The story goes that he's demanding human rites for the poor polar bears - and he's also Deeply Concerned about the disastrous vote in the Great Northumbrian Church Council. I'm trying very hard to get my feline head around the purpose of his protest. I fail to see what significant ministry polar bears can add to the Church of Northumbria...