Wednesday, 3 April 2013
The Northumbrian Kingdom has been in a perpetual state of uproar, desolation, consternation, constipation and biscuit following the resignation of Dagwald the Miiliborg from the Redistributionist ranks. This has contributed in large part to the collective headache of the Kingdom; however this is by no means the only reason for the present cerebral pains.
Steadily in the background, Dunstan the Smithy, the Tree Faction's former Supremo and Revered Tree Decoration has been industriously labouring in his workshop, crafting Something Beautiful for the Northumbrian population. Among the fruits of his labours - as cherished as those of his loins - is a complete overhaul of the Northumbrian Realm's benefit system. This is by no means an easy task, considering the millennia of changes which have developed it into the Bountiful Provider it has become - as well the envy of every other tribe, kindred and nation under the sun (hence the rush to these beautiful shores by the myriads of Bactrian tribesmen and assorted flotsam and jetsam from the exotic shores of the Levant.
Dunstan's principal rationale for his reshaping exercise is so that he can reduce the colossal sum of Holy Groats spent by the long-suffering Northumbrian taxpayers, thus helping to reduce the Monumental Treasure Chest Deficit (which was carefully and lovingly cultivated by the Redistributionist Faction during their ten-thousand year tenure of the Northumbrian government. During this time they succeeded in impoverishing the average Northumbrian through excessive taxation in order to fund their own lavish lifestyles, to legitimately help the Poor and Disadvantaged, and most especially to reward the work-shy, thus cultivating the loyalty of their core base of ne'er-do-wells and professional layabouts).
One of the Significant New Developments emerging in a red-hot glow from the Smithy's forge is the new Bedroom Tax - a brand new wheeze designed to extract more Holy Groats, half-pennies and farthings from those members of the population who pay rents for their hovels from their municipal landlords. Any unoccupied sleeping quarters in their diminutive hutches are to incur an extra charge. Naturally, the Redistributionist Faction has been on the warpath, and has wildly accused the Tree Faction of penalising the Poor - something, dear reader, that they would never ever do. Honestly.
Some Redistributionist municipal landlords - out of the goodness of their hearts - as well as a desire for future votes and a political advantage - have already been helping their tenants by redefining their unoccupied chambers as pigsties, stables and chicken runs.
What more enterprising tenants could do is to make their spare rooms available to members of the Redistributionist Workers' Faction; this would help to reduce the present alleged accommodation shortage throughout the Realm.
However, the smell of cow, chicken and pig dung along with the sound of lowing, clucking and grunting is probably preferable to the chewing of magic mushrooms, the smell of beansprouts and dog breath, the sound of bongoes and the random babblings of nonsense that their new tenants would produce...