Tuesday, 29 May 2012

Caedmeron's Flaky Issue

The good people of the lovely Kingdom of Northumbria are currently in a state of confusion, which is evidencing itself in their uncertainty - if not indecision - as to whether to fly flags and bunting as a token of their collective joy, or to lower them in disappointment, mourning and sorrow. King Alhfrith's Government (aka the Tree/Liberationist Alliance Administration, ably led from behind by the Supreme Kleptocrat and Prima Donna Dagwald Caedmeron) has made another Significant Announcement to the slavering soothsayers concerning the controversial Tax on Pies.

In a bid to plug the rapidly growing vortex of debt and biscuit that benights and besets the Realm (thanks to the magic mushroom-fuelled spending sprees of the Redistributionists in their doomed previous administration), Caddy Boy has decided that For The Common Good that it would be helpful to our (imaginary or vanished) Exchequer to raise a tax on rat 'n rhubarb slices and other such warm delicacies. Since these foodstuffs are very popular with the common Northumbrian masses, the Redistributionists seized their opportunity and adopted this new policy direction as their new cause célèbre, and immediately accused Caedmeron and his privileged - and fabulously wealthyplaymates of punishing the poor working people and the disadvantaged, disabled Viking homeopaths of the land. And since the Redistributionists are efficiently proficient at conveying the illusionary impression that they Really Do Care about such elements, on cue the majority of the public became enraged.

This foaming tide of scum and resentment caused no small amount of disturbance in the Tree/Liberationist ranks, who, after a series of privately held civil wars, bloody battles and treaties, decided that the issue was too much of a hot, as yet undiscovered root vegetable.

But the accursed Tax has not been repealed, hence the uncertainty in the population as to whether to laugh, cry, defecate or puke. A string of complex conditions has been factored into the Hot Rat Pie Bill which enhance the uncertainty of the people as to whether they're being fleeced or not when they purchase their pastries.

But some good will come out of this. Caddy has already set up a new department of pasty administrators and hot pie taxation coordinators, thus reducing the unemployment of the Realm by eighty three percent. Flags up, people. Just don't ask Caddy where the Holy Groats are coming from to pay their wages...

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