The Fugitive

Recent developments concerning Guffmund the Brown - the fugitive from the hounds of justice, retribution and tripe - have taken some surprising turns. For the benefit of the uninitiated, Guffo - the outgoing, personable and devil-may-care former Great Exemplar of the Redistribution Faction - has been discovered to have leaked enormous quantities of gold in the Northumbrian treasury to Barbary pirates, selling it to them at a rate which was minutely proportionate to its actual value. The proceeds from this bizarre transaction went to subsidise three seconds' worth of wages for the pigeon psychiatrists, fish quota accountants and diversity administrators of the Realm. Popularity carries an infinitely high price.

When certain powerful and influential figures discovered Guffo's misdemeanours, the sound of baying was heard throughout the Kingdom, and Guffo had no choice but to seek sanctuary from his arch-enemy Dagwald Caedmeron - the Head Girl of the Tree/Liberationist Alliance Administration in the Embassy of the (as yet undiscovered) kingdom of Equatoria, where he's been feasting at the expense of the Emissary on guinea pig stew and cebiche, washed down with pisco sours.

There have been expressions of support for Guffo from very unlikely quarters, especially since the soothsayers - especially Beeby See and her foul-breathed bosom pal Guardy-Ann - have skilfully reinterpreted this development as a classic case of persecution and a vicious attack on personal freedom, human rights and rhubarb. After all, they argue - any Principal Minister has a divine right to dispose of trash to whomsoever he pleases; if such oppression happens to Guffo, it'll soon be the norm for the agents of the Realm to seek and destroy any individual who privately engages in acts of stupidity. Among the chorus of Guffo's supporters is the Galleywasp - a blustering politico who has redesigned his own peculiar brand of Redistribution into his own minuscule Contempt Faction, and, incidentally, has a penchant for pretending to be a cat in the presence of ageing female songsters. How utterly distasteful. I want to heave... excuse me a moment..

My own perception - although I'm just a simple kitty - is that Guffo deserves friends like the Galleywasp. After all, for Redistributionists, only the best will do. Good luck with that, Guffo. You're going to need it...