Thursday, 5 January 2012


This new year shows great promise to be an entertaining one in the lovely Kingdom of Northumbria, if we can judge from recent events; there's been a great deal of fuss in the Kingdom of late about handism. For the benefit of the uninitiated, I must explain that 'handism' is a recent addition to the Northumbrian language and stream of consciousness. Human beings are either left or right-handed; this isn't determined by conscious choice, but rather by accident of heredity. Most people eat, write and perform other tasks with their right hands, while a smaller percentage are more adept with their left. Whatever.

If this Cat understands correctly, the ratio of left-handed to right-handed people is around one in ten, and there's been some measure of disadvantage for the minority, since the process of writing from left to right is considerably easier with a quill in the right hand than it is in the left. Furthermore, the handles on swords and assorted weapons, stringed instruments and tools are designed by craftsmen to be used in the right hand. Consequently, the left-handed minority have felt rather as if they're freaks. So terribly sad. If a cat could cry, I would. But I'll make a colonic offering instead. That's better...

But in these enlightened times, the Redistributionists and their country cousins - like deranged spiders - have woven an industry which has justified spending a vast number of holy groats (at tax-payers' expense, of course) on administrators, educators, lawyers and advisors to highlight the problems of the sinister-handed minority, and to fight the evils of discrimination of such disadvantaged individuals and to introduce legislation to the Witangemot to make it a punishable offense to say or do anything which might occasion discomfort or inconvenience to left-handers or incite hatred towards them. Whatever. It's been great business, and has kept legions of Anglo-Saxons, Vikings and other groups in employment - particularly those who are born with the accursed bias. (There's an equivalent industry to promote the causes of those who are born with red hair, who've historically been the butt of the humour of the dark, mousy and blond majorities. Special commissions have been established to focus attention upon their plight - and to ensure that they're similarly accommodated into the ranks of Northumbrian society. Bless.)

The problem - such as it was - has now been turned on its head, so that while a right-handed person who offends a left-handed individual is in mortal danger of being reported, hauled up before the Moot on charges of handism and summarily sent to an oubliette to gently rot, a left-handed person may freely insult or offend a right-hander with impunity.

Recently a left-handed Abbess (not our beloved Hilda of the Abbey, I hasten to add) accused right-handed people of dividing and ruling the persecuted left. This remark has kicked up a glorious stink for which no approximation of an apology has been proffered. Had she been right-handed - and accused the lefties of being a bunch of whingeing gits - her head would have adorned a pole by now...

No comments:

Post a Comment