Thursday, 29 August 2013

Eddie's New Epithet

Your Cat has been most intrigued by a description of Edweird the Milliner that has been recently disclosed to one of the soothsayers (and subsequently trumpeted from the Northumbrian rooftops). It appears that Edweird the Milliner - the ubiquitous Tribal Chieftain of the Redistributionist Faction, whose absence from the public arena of late has been largely unnoticed - is a cooking font.

Now, as a Cat with a rudimentary education in matters ecclesiastical (owing to the patient tuition of my good master Caedmon), I already know that a font is a stone-carved basin installed in churches for the purpose of baptising children and penitent adults. I'm also aware of the process of cooking - an entirely human activity, which involves kindling a fire and baking bread or cakes, or burning meat, fish and vegetables. However, when it comes to combining these two concepts within a single term, I struggle to wrap my feline head around it. What's going on here - a cooking font?

So in an endeavour to further my education, I sought my friend Feaxede the Fox, who shares with me more than a passing interest in political matters. Sadly he was unable to enlighten me, and the chicken struggling and loudly squawking within his jaw was no help either.

I was therefore resigned to having to remain in blissful ignorance, but then I remembered that Lareow - the Chief Secretary to Caedmeron's Department of Rodent Affairs - has always provided me with vital insights in the past, so I went to pay him a call. As ever, when I found him, Lareow produced the goods.

Edweird the Milliner oversees the secret ritual of slow roasting of children within the temples of the Redistributionist religion. This is accompanied by the masticating of magic mushrooms and the singing of hymns and anthems to the false god Redistributia. When I asked Lareow how he came by this information, he simply gave a conspiratorial wink, and said that his master Caedmeron is a fount of all knowledge.

What I'd dearly like to understand is how he knows this..

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