Monday 13 June 2011

Castor And Pollux

The realm of Northumbrian politics has all the hallmarks of those of our illustrious predecessors, the Romans. Those who've been blessed with a decent education and a curious mind will doubtless be familiar with the stories of the Caesars, many of whom were either psychotic and paranoid sociopaths, psychopathic and decadent despots, ruthlessly ambitious rulers - or, like Caligula - just plain nut jobs.

When we learn about the Redistributionist Faction, we soon come to a shocking realisation that beneath a seemingly benign and dottily idealistic surface (nourished by the chewing of an endless supply of magic mushrooms) seethes a nest of vicious, backstabbing vipers. And that's just among the rank-and-file.. (For the sake of any vipers who might be reading this - I'm very sorry - I didn't mean to malign or demean you by comparing you with human politicians: I for one know that you're actually very charming and beautiful creatures.)

Edweird The Milliner - the present Beloved Ruler of the Witangemot Redistributionist Faction and Leader of His Majesty's Loyal Opposition - has been in the attention of the soothsayers a great deal of late. Not - I hasten to add - because of any significant pronouncement that he's made or majestic deed that he's done to further his deluded cause; the fact of the matter is that he's failed to make any gains in the credibility of the reflective members of the Northumbrian population. According to many soothsayers, it's a matter of conjecture as to how long he'll survive in office in view of the internal civil wars, plots and intrigues that are currently in motion.

Eddy Boy's meteoric rise to prominence in the Faction took everyone by surprise, given the fact that he's never been either a popular or a charismatic figure - unlike his predecessor Guffmund the Brown, whose cheery countenance, quick-fire humour and merry demeanour inspired admiration and respect throughout the Kingdom, which he successfully and joyfully bankrupted. Eddy competed with his brother Dagwald for the coveted prize of Faction Leader, and whilst the contest was in progress, it was assumed that Dagwald - the more outgoing and personable of the two chimps - would be crowned King of The Redistributionist throne. Alas - it was not to be. Like the ancient biblical story of Jacob and Esau, the likely lad was cheated of his natural birthright by the machinations of his devious younger sibling.

Since that traumatic day, the soothsayers have been surmising that Dagwald - bitterly disappointed at his defeat by his feckless brother - is biding his time, waiting for the One Catastrophic Failure that will provide him with the I-told-you-so excuse to seize the reins and direct the Faction to government, and propel the Kingdom to a further period of oppression, secrecy, profligate spending and unfettered borrowing. By my calculations, the Realm already has ten thousand years' worth of debt to pay off through taxation from the last Redistributionist administration..

Whatever happens, the Milliner boys had better watch their backs; stories - like buoyant dog jobs - are surfacing about the cloak-and-dagger activities of Edweird The Spheres, the slobbering, mendacious bully-boy who was appointed by Eddy to the position of Shadow Keeper Of the King's Balls. We're told that this unsavoury piece of work was responsible for bringing down Tondvig The Blur...

Personally, I'd like to see them all locked in a confined space - like ferrets in a sack. With any luck, only the bones will be left. I'm sure my mate Feaxede the fox would approve: it would make a change from chicken...

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