Wednesday 1 June 2011

Pitch Battles And An Arresting Performance

I'd never appreciated how important the Beautiful Game of Football was until recently: I'd always (foolishly) assumed that it was a relatively innocent and wholesome pastime, chiefly for men and boys. That was, until I realised that this is a phenomenon that transcends national boundaries, and carries with it all the dirty business normally associated with politics and politicos.

Further to the strident baying of soothsayers for aging confidence trickster Seth Bladder's blood because of his errant colleagues, it has recently come to light that another football figure has been arrested for crimes against the Sport of Football.

Some years ago, Radiko Baditch was a well-known football manager in the area of the Balkans (where the Greeks and Bulgarians play). He commanded a well-disciplined squad, but his approach to the game was - err - unconventional. While every manager aspires to inspire his team to adopt winning ways through skilful dribbling, slobbering, long passes and inventive game strategies on the field, Raddy Boy's operational philosophy was quite uncomplicated: win at all costs by removing all the opposition. Literally.

For some considerable time, his offensive tactics worked. The opposition - previously accustomed to nothing worse than the bruising thud of leather boot on the shins - was mowed down by clubs, pikes and swords. The game successes were recorded in terms of body counts rather than goals scored. By this means Radiko Baditch dominated the Balkan Leagues for years, and enjoyed unqualified success - although the rest of the Football Community became very unhappy and deeply concerned with his modus operandi. But the wheels of Nemesis grind slowly but surely, and after five hundred years of hiding deep within the bowels of his beloved Balkan homeland, Raddy Boy was arrested by the Holy Roman Empire (which is neither holy, Roman nor an empire) Football Society costumed thugs and taken to be arraigned before the International Football Court. Woe, woe and thrice woe.

I've been reliably informed that a well-known sleb footballer's ex-wife will be one of the judges at this international tribunal, following her astonishing success judging the half-baked delusional fruitcakes on 'Ultima Thule's Got Talent.' Since her former footballer husband was a magic mushroom-chewing philanderer, I don't rate Raddy's chances... The words 'snowflake' and 'Hades' come readily to mind...

Going by the previous performances of the International Football Court, it looks as if a life of ignominy, shame and disgrace beckons. And not only for the Beautiful Game, but for Radico Badass too..


  1. At least the corruption is plain for all to see.

  2. Which? I see and smell it everywhere. But then, cats have a refined sense of smell....