Monday 31 October 2011

Call of Duty

The formal exorcism of the protesting infants from the Yorvik Minster still rumbles on; it appears that these particular malign spirits are more difficult to extract from the sacred precincts of the Minster and the financial district. I suspect it's going to take a great deal of prayer and fasting - and a teeny weeny measure of brute force. But that's not my problem.

To be honest (and I wouldn't be otherwise), I'm getting quite bored with the whole thing; it's difficult to sustain any interest in the children and their indeterminate clutch of magic mushroom-inspired causes. Cats only have a finite attention span after all - it just happens to be longer than the average Northumbrian's..

What did awake my interest however was the story of a female cat called Duty who'd been stolen from her master - some Liberationist politico - and his family. This occurred several decades ago, and at the time it happened, everyone was terribly upset - particularly the young daughter of the affected family. The previous wife of the Duty's owner was observed to have been the cat-napper, but when questioned by the Costumed Thugs, she pleaded ignorance of the hapless feline's whereabouts.

This act of abduction was a screamingly obvious gesture of ill-will and spite on the part of the spurned ex-wife; had I seen her several years beforehand, I'd have counselled her never to consort with Liberationist in the first place. They have the most horrible table manners, and they're as promiscuous as tomcats. (And I should know.) Thus the Mystery of the Missing Cat graced the attention of the soothsayers, and the entire Kingdom went into mourning for five whole minutes. The cat burglar was subsequently fined a few million groats, and given a suspended sentence by the Moot. I'm not sure where - or over what she's being dangled..

But the glorious good news that has beamed its welcome rays in our gloom is that the kitty has been discovered! Hooray! I for one am so ecstatically pleased; after all, it wasn't the poor moggy's fault that she was caught up in some political shenanigans involving a Liberationist and his dysfunctional domestic arrangements. But I'm gratified to know that the cat was resourceful enough to mew pitifully at someone's door and obtain free board and lodging for her trouble. That's the way to do it! 

And - to add a further dimension to this tale - she's also recently had a litter of kittens. I can confidently tell you that nobody knows where they are; and I can also declare publicly are they're not mine.. I'm no Liberationist...

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