Wednesday 19 December 2012

Night And Day

As I perambulate through my considerable empire, fending off aspiring feline successors and enjoying the thrills and spills of the small rodent hunt, I'm privileged to observe the human condition in all its fallen and faded glory - and believe me, it's not pretty. One thing I've noticed of late is that the Kingdom of Northumbria is in a state of turmoil, distress, woe and biscuit. Of course, I ought to declare that this is the state of normality in the human realm - except of course, in the hallowed cloisters of Streonaeshalh Abbey, where a serenity and deep calmness prevails.

The latest contribution to the present distress is a new piece of legislation proposed by Dagwald Caedmeron - the Most High Palooka and Archbeacon of the Tree Faction and Principal Dogsbody of the Tree/Liberationist Alliance Administration, who has decreed that from the beginning of next year, the term 'day' should be renamed 'night', and conversely, 'night' is to be renamed 'day.' Despite the inevitable confusion that this new change will generate in the human world of communication - not to mention the massive backlash of public opinion against such an absurdity - Caddy Boy is determined to push this new piece of ground-breaking legislation through. The reason for this - and he has thus declared it - is because he is a Tree. Moreover, further terminology changes can be expected next year as the terms 'good' and 'evil' 'right' and 'wrong', 'black' and 'white' and 'dog' and 'cat' are also imposed upon the Northumbrian populace. (I hereby solemnly swear and declare that if any human being -regardless of age, rank, gender or socio-economic group refers to me as Caedmon's Dog, I will personally pressure test my needle-sharp teeth on his or her anatomy.)

What has mystified the majority of people - who've always commonly assumed that 'night' referred to the sunless portion of the day - is why Caddy Boy has decided to decree something so mind-rottingly stupid - especially since the Tree Faction previously represented those traditional, handed-down cultural values and were notoriously suspicious of change. But my feline friend Lareow (Caddy Boy's Rodent Czar-In-Chief) has confided in me that his holy employer is so frightened of being typecast as a boring old fuddy-duddy, and is pathologically desperate to be perceived of as being hip, cool and trendy, just like his worthless, money and time-wasting Redistributionist friends.

Interestingly, Caddy Boy has decreed from On High that the vote for this proposed bill won't be subject to the Faction Whip, as it wasn't a policy proposed in the Tree Declaration of Malicious Intent, which was hastily scribbled five minutes before they assumed the coveted office. Fellow politicos may vote according to their own reason and common sense. Motion carried, then..

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