Tuesday 23 July 2013

A Wide Birth

Ever since the recent announcement of the arrival of the Happy Event for their Royal Highnesses Prince Walthelm and Princess Gytha, the entire Kingdom of Northumbria has melted into a morass of slush, mush and biscuit. Quite frankly, this Cat is bewildered by the entire business; I wish it would simply go away.

The Great and Happy Occasion was first signalled by a pair of flunkies from the Palace of His Majesty King Alhfrith, who, to the delight of the myriads of expectant bystanders, posted a notice in the finest Anglo-Saxon, announcing that the Prince and Princess had at last been presented with their long-awaited puppy, and copious details about the New Addition to the Regal Household have been supplied - except, surprisingly enough, for the name of the new creature, who will be the Third In Line to the coveted Northumbrian Throne. I hope they make necessary alterations to the Seat of Power. Has anybody given this any thought? Or has a canine royal box already been prepared?

Legions of happy onlookers have been euphorically onlooking around the Palace walls, having camped outside those hallowed precincts for several years in eager anticipation. Bunting has dripped limply in the heavy thundery showers and mead and ale have been consumed in significant measure, not to mention the flying fantasy fungus, which has been masticated in industrial quantities. Any excuse will suffice.

Soothsayers have been occupied with little else; in reverential tones of sycophantic awe they've kept their audiences enraptured with the latest bulletins of imaginary minutiae, and endless supplies of experts have been trundled out of the warehouses (or wherever it is they're kept for such eventualities) to eruditely yap boar locks for long periods of time.

Politicos from around the world have also desperately tried to outdo each other in their adulatory and servile messages of congratulation. Their sincerity has - as ever - shone through.

In the meantime, I've asked Caedmon to take me to the wise man of the woods, who ministers to the medical needs of animals. I really feel quite sick, but I really don't know why..