Civil War

It's sadly come to my attention that the Redistributionist Faction has again been discovered to have been up to tricks of a questionable moral character. This has (for the thirteen thousandth time) come as a great shock to me; this Cat always fondly entertained the blissful illusion that the Redistributionists were a cabal of well-meaning (but chronically naive) dunderheads, who entertained magic mushroom-fuelled notions of Equality (for some), Fairness (for the handpicked few), Shared Poverty (for all) and biscuit. What a foolish feline I was..

My illusory bubble burst when - to my chagrin - I recently discovered that they've been carefully nurturing this cosy, rosy and posed image among the simple folk of the Northumbrian Kingdom while in reality, they've been conducting business in a manner worthy of a band of conniving cut-throats.

The Untied Guild of Costume FIllers - an affiliated body of swivel-eyed, fanatical Redistributionist tradesmen, led by their firebrand armchair general Legge the Cluster - stealthily swamped a constituency with their own hand-picked placemats. This was the result of carefully-planned prestidigitation and false teeth.

Following this illusion-shattering development, a Civil War has broken out in the Redistributionist ranks, dragging the Faction Chief Cupcake Edweird the Milliner into the arena. This has resulted in the resignation of Tam the Fat and has threatened the entire civilised world with unprecedented hot air, rhetoric and rhubarb. Woe, woe and thrice biscuit.

Meanwhile, the Costumed Thugs have been kindly invited by the rival Tree Faction to investigate. The Liberationists were nowhere to be seen. The result of their researches will be published in fifteen thousand years' time. I can hardly wait...