Tuesday 11 October 2011

Quiz Biz

While everyone's attention is diverted by amusements like Leng the Fox's special fiend (sic), other little gems of political treasure pass by unnoticed. Unless you're Feaxede the Fox, that is; he's a genuine fox, and he always has his ear close to the ground - especially when he's bored with his chicken carcass research in the Streonaeshalch Municipal Dump.

Feaxede tipped me off about our Dearly Beloved Leader, the highly principled and Honest Broker Dagwald Caedmeron; it would appear that the intrepid Caddy Boy - on the ball as ever - is most concerned to be seen to close the stable door several years after the nag's escape.

To put this plainly: he wants to ensure that any Barbarian, Viking, Visigoth, Ostrogoth, Westphalian, Arab, Persian, Mesopotamian, Ethiopian, Bactrian (and every other species of humanity from the four quarters of the world) who wishes to become a citizen of the lovely Kingdom of Northumbria must first of all take a Quiz on our Glorious History. I purr in unfettered admiration at the sheer inventiveness of the idea. This is a fine example of thinking outside the box. Should any hapless aspiring citizens fail to achieve the requisite pass rate, he or she will be unceremoniously dumped back onto a longboat (at the taxpayers' expense, naturally) and sent back to their country of origin, where they can live happily ever after. Time to go to sleep now, boys and girls. Night, night.

There's an obvious question: why should the new invaders be given the privilege of taking the Quiz when three hundred million of them are already already here - wandering through the streets, speaking seventeen thousand different languages and dialects, trawling the markets and living from the bounteous hand of the Northumbrian State - haven't had the opportunity to partake of the same examination? It just doesn't seem fair.

Another question: who decides what Northumbrian history really is? So much of what passes as significant history is nothing more than folklore, old wives' tales, exaggeration, embroidery and pick 'n mix interpretation. So, who is the objective arbiter over the curriculum? I bet it won't be Caddy Boy; he doesn't know his Bible from his Beowulf.

And my last question is: suppose  Anglo-Saxon children were to take the same test; where would they be sent if they failed it? Given the standards of contemporary education, I'm quite certain they wouldn't have a hope..

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