Tuesday, 30 August 2011

Raked And Baked

A new furore has been brought to my attention, so my whiskers have been twitching and my claws have been itching. Dagwald Caedmeron - the Senior Dogsbody of the Tree/Liberationist Alliance - which pretends to rule the lovely country of Northumberland - has joyfully awarded vast salary increases to the heads of the non-jobs which proliferate in this sceptered Realm. Buckets of ducats and boats filled with groats have been awarded to the Supreme Diversity Co-Ordinator-General, the Cat License Administrator-In-Chief, the Chief Pigeon Psychologist, the Holy Supreme Allied Commander-In-Chief of the Coconut Matting Advisory Board and the Fish Quota Accountant-General inter alia.

I'm sure that these august servants of the Northumbrian public deserve every farthing and mite they receive. Since I'm only a little white moggy (can I say that..?), I'm unable to get my little feline head around the enormous pressures that must weigh down upon these worthies as they execute their solemn duties before the Crown.

But certain things simply don't add up. I realise that I'm no mathematician, but I've been repeatedly told in no uncertain terms by Those Who Know Better through the good offices of the Soothsayers that there's no more money in the Kingdom. It. Has. Gone. It has been joyfully spent by the previous Redistributionist Administration on all of their pet projects, and has contributed to the enormous network of informers, apparatchiks and hangers-on who are so vital to the running of a realm. In fact we've been told that as a Kingdom, we're in Deepest Debt and Doo-Doo, as even more groats (which don't really exist yet because the trees haven't been planted) have been pledged for the financial salvation of the hapless Hibernians and the Greeks. So - the Big Question is - where is the money coming from to finance these wild salary increases for these Important and Indispensable Servants?

Here's something else that doesn't calculate on the Cat abacus: during his election campaign, Caedmeron made a Solemn Pledge on Oath before the people of the Land that he would dismantle the wasteful structures bequeathed him by his feckless country cousins the Redistributionists. The strongholds of Satan would be torn down, and righteousness would once more beam its welcome rays on the Realm. So - what happened to Caedmeron in the interval between the promise made and the opportunity to perform it?

I have a theory. In my feline reckoning, either one of two events happened which turned his mind and caused him to jettison his sacred vow. He may have been guilty of some gross misdemeanour, and his guilty secret came to the unwelcome attention of some Redistributionist busybody, who subsequently dictated terms to him under pain of exposure to his poor wife and children. Shame and disgrace, people. Wipe your noses, blow your eyes and bring the rope.

Or - and this is the theory I favour - he's had a meeting with the Prince Of Darkness, and has sold his soul to Perdition for some temporal or pecuniary advantage. That seems more plausible to me, since he seemed to show such promise and enthusiasm for Righteousness before he sat in the Hot Seat. That's what happened to his Redistributionist predecessor and mentor Tondvig The Blur, who similarly started out with a naive enthusiasm for Goodness and Virtue. Look what happened to him.. I shudder at the very thought.

If this is what has happened to him, his spell in the Hot Seat is going to turn out significantly hotter in the long term. You don't make deals with the Enemy without getting your backside severely cauterised. Anyone will tell you that; it's in the Good Book...

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