Thursday 14 July 2011

Cat. Petal. Block.

I'm so excited! These are such interesting times for this Cat, and the Great Prince Ruprecht Evil-Merodach Eavesdropping Scandal is starting to come to the boil, after simmering and releasing unsavoury odours into the atmosphere for several years.
Yesterday we had the rare and unexpected pleasure of a special guest appearance in the Northumbrian Witangemot of the beloved psychopath Guffmund The Brown – the previous magic mushroom-chewing Redistributionist incumbent of the noble seat now occupied by the uliginous Caedmeron.
Guffmund – an easy-going Scot with a ready wit, a sparking intellect and a talent for cheery banter and badinage – has been absent from the Witangemot for most of the time, leaving his parishioners stranded and unrepresented like orphans. The reason why he continues to draw a substantial politician's wage while absent from the House is unknown, but a little bird has told me that he's been so exhausted after saving the world from the ravages of solvency, that – like the Prophet Elijah of old – he's retreated to a cave, where he's been brought a daily supply of Arbroath Smokies and a bucket of the best hallucinogenic fungi for inspiration. Whatever.
He arrived at the Witangemot yesterday to Give A Speech. Rumour has it that it was meant to be about the Great Prince Ruprecht Evil-Merodach Eavesdropping Scandal, but owing to the effect of years of fly agaric chewing – coupled with a heavy Caledonian accent – nothing coherent could be discerned. But he looked angry as his bristling brow swept the floor. Feaxede the Fox told me that he was actually damning the Prince for allowing his soothsaying minions to listen in to his private conversations and intercept his personal correspondence. This happened sixty five years ago, when Guffmund was wearing tartan tweed nappies. But during those distant times, Guffmund was perfectly content to sit on Prince Rupie's lap and listen to bedtime stories and receive flower-pressing lessons.. It all doesn't quite add up.
Anyway. It's now come to our attention that the noble Prince has been summoned to the Witangemot (in his full regalia) to give an account of himself and the soothsaying empire under his charge. The other soothsayers who aren't under his banner will be baying like wolves, and the Redistributionist politicos and soothsayers will be cackling with delight at the dawning of their day of Vengeance.
But I suspect Rupie has some surprises up his sleeve; he didn't get to be where he is today by sheer charm. I think heads are going to roll in all directions. Feaxede and I have already booked our tickets for the show… We can't wait!

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