Friday 9 December 2011

Caddy Boy's Virtual Victory

These are momentous days for the lovely Kingdom of Northumbria - or, at least, that's what the soothsayers Beeby See, Guardy-Ann and Dellimell are telling us. Repeatedly.

In the widening vortex of the Great Debt Crisis which has overtaken the Holy Roman Empire (which is neither holy, Roman nor an empire), certain of Emperor Jose Borracho's provinces have encountered problems with the Greeks and the Romans, who are so full of debt that they're fit to explode, bringing down the Empire's financial system with them. Which is nice.

To salvage the Holy Roman Empire's Ducat - a fictitious piece of brass currency, adorned with Borracho's head on the one side and a bull's backside on the other - the Emperor has kindly invited the Franks, Westphalians, Allemans, Vikings, Bulgars, Northumbrians and seventy thousand other tribes to cough up from their own treasuries to rescue the doomed coinage, which is rapidly becoming of less value than the smallest colonic offering of his pet hound. Not all of the tribes and kingdoms of the Empire have adopted the Ducat, however: some (like the Anglo-Saxons and the Vikings) have continued to trade in their own groats or strings of beads, thus maintaining the semblance of some control over their cash.

To avert this Great Tragedy, it has been decreed from above that all the participating tribes of the Holy Roman Empire (which is neither holy, Roman nor an empire) cast their crowns and their coinage at Joe Boy's malodorous feet, thus allowing him to continue in his opulent lifestyle (at taxpayers' expense of course), throw lavish banquets for his myriads of parasitic friends, and gently impoverish his captive subjects to a perpetual state of penury through vastly increased rates of taxation. Sounds like a plan.

Since the the lovely Kingdom of Northumbria doesn't trade in the Ducat, there's no apparent reason why King Alhfrith's treasury should be used to bail out the profligate Greeks, Romans and other money-wasters, and Dagwald Caedmeron - the Chief Cock and Bluebottle-Washer of the Tree/Liberationist Administration - has made some bellicose noises about protecting Northumbrian interests. This has certainly come as a surprise to his detractors, who have always believed that he was one of Joe Borracho's most sycophantic fans.

The soothsayers are reporting that he has managed to isolate Northumbria from the Holy Roman Empire (which is neither holy, Roman nor an empire). Edweird the Milliner - the slavering Redistributionist Great Leader - has accused him of being partisan and selfish, pandering to the self-serving interests of the Evil Moneylenders. But this Cat suspects he's said this more out of a need to be seen to say something rather than out of conviction.

When Caddy Boy returns, there will be dancing and partying in the streets of Northumbria, and a great deal of ale and mead will be consumed in celebration. And no one will see anything different when the dust settles. Another great triumph..

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