Thursday 29 December 2011

Settling the Bill

Yesterday was a deeply sad day in the ongoing saga of the Redistributionist world. And how would I - a mere cat in the lovely Kingdom of Northumbria - know this? - Simply because the soothsayers have told us so. And they must be right, as they are the champions of objectivity, truth and fishpaste. Hmmm.... these spotty mushrooms are very unusual tasting..

Yesterday was the State Funeral in the Northern Kingdom of Goryo of Holy Emperor and Lovely Leader King Kong Bill, the messianic Redistributionist shepherd of his devoted flock, who died recently at the tender age of one hundred and ninety six. His infant son, King Young 'Un has been assiduously groomed - once potty training has been accomplished - to step in his late father's blue suede shoes (he was a devotee of the cult of Elvey Preslode), and continue the noble work of redistributing the wealth of the land from the hard-working, starving farmers into his back pocket, and to support and maintain his oversized and over-fed army of uniformed synchronised dancers.

The funeral will be conducted for the next twenty years, and by all accounts has so far been a highly organised programme of spontaneous grief, orchestrated by the Emperor's courtiers and acted out by a sample of the country's finest actors and actresses. It was very moving, and my bowels acted in sympathy. I feel much better now.

What this Cat had failed to realise was that King Kong Bill had a divine pedigree - or so some of the carefully-selected members of the crowd spontaneously read out to the awaiting soothsayers' lackeys. He has come down from heaven. And now he's gone. So terribly sad. I'm feeling hungry...

If the Lovely Leader King Kong Bill did have a divine pedigree and came down from heaven, it makes me wonder why he didn't bypass the unpleasant and nasty process of death; surely he could have taken the noble route and ascended..

And if he was so special and heavenly, he certainly didn't do any divine things like feeding the five thousand - or bringing a message of peace and rescue from above. If he had, the dancing army would be a lot smaller, and the poor farmers would be fed and happy.. And there would have been genuine tears of sorrow, rather than the exhibitions of artificial desolation and onion tears.

It doesn't add up. I'll have to ask Edweird the Milliner about it - he's a Redistributionist Dear Leader, too. I wonder what part of heaven he and Edweird the Spheres came from...?

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