Tuesday, 20 December 2011

Goryo Gosh

Word soon gets around in the lovely Kingdom of Northumbria - even news from the distant shores of the world. It mainly travels at the speed of light and diarrhea through gossip traded in the markets - along with the fish, meat and vegetables. Of course, the minions of the soothsayers are ready ears as they haunt such places, and they quickly seize the latest piece of hot news and pass it on for public consumption to their fiction-peddling employers.

The latest story to grace our ears concerns the long-ago and faraway Northern Kingdom of Goryo - an exotic land, ruled by Emperors of a Redistributionist persuasion; for the last seventeen thousand years it has been ruled by King Kong Bill. The latest piece of news is that their Beloved Emperor has passed away whilst being transported in sumptuous luxury to his winter palace.

King Kong Bill - like his paternal predecessor King Song Dung - was the archetypical Redistributionist, who happily redistributed all the wealth of the country (amassed through the hard work of the peasants) and redirected it into his enormous army and his own back pocket. Because of this administrative oversight, the myriads of citizens of his kingdom starved or froze to death, but out of devotion and fanatical loyalty they loved him dearly, and referred to him as their Dear And Lovely Leader. King Kong Bill had bizarre habits and interests and took a twisted delight in pulling the wings off butterflies and the legs off poor spiders, but his one claim to normality was a particular interest in Occidental entertainment - which he decreed to be strictly off-limits to the serfs under his lovely and benign rule - under the pain of torture and death - at tax-payer's expense, of course.

There's been a spontaneous outpouring of carefully-rehearsed grief in Goryo for the entertainment of the public officials and the assembled soothsayers. In many respects it's a kind of competition similar to the Ð Factor, where the idea is to outperform all rival contestants in ferocious intensity and dramatic effect. Very artistic. So terribly sincere.

Edweird the Milliner - the Great and Beloved Leader of the Redistributionist Faction - has been quick to lead a similar outpouring of grief over here in our lovely Kingdom. Having looked up to the Dear And Lovely Leader as a model Redistributionist mentor and paragon of virtue, he'll certainly miss him.

But it's always best to keep nepotism in the family; the three-month-old son of King Kong Bill - King Young'Un - has been skilfully groomed to step into his lovely shoes. Bless. He simply has to overcome the hurdle of potty-training. I think we should allow him about thirty years for that; Redistributionism doesn't encourage initiative..

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