Thursday 22 December 2011

Synch and Drink

Since the demise of King Kong Bill in the long ago and faraway land of Goryo, reports are reaching the soothsayers of the lovely Kingdom of Northumbria of remarkable scenes of grief at the loss of their Redistributionist Dear And Lovely Leader. So terribly sad. What's for lunch?

The subjects of that distant shore are renowned for their obligatory cultural uniformity, and several hundred million of their overfed soldiers have performed fan dances in the vast open squares of the Imperial Palace to entertain the emaciated and starving local populace - every choreographed move in perfectly measured and graceful synchronicity. Lovely.

The Goryo Kingdom has reported that out of grief at the loss of this Divine Redistributionist Leader, the sun, moon and stars have all failed to deliver their customary light; birds have failed to flap and flit, flutter and chatter, and have even stopped delivering their colonic payloads, and the skies have wept inconsolably. Whatever.

There have been reports of carefully organised outbreaks of spontaneous mourning by carefully selected throngs of people; they've perfected the art of synchronised misery to such an elevated standard that the Organising Committee of the Holy Roman Empire (which is neither holy, Roman nor an empire) Games are seriously contemplating the idea of including it as a new sporting event, alongside synchronised bricklaying and finger dancing. Sounds fascinating.

In the meantime, the Goryo Kingdom's Provisional Interim Council - administered by seventeen thousand leading overfed generals from the Dear And Lovely Leader's army are grooming the new Emperor-in-training - King Young'Un - in the finer points of Redistributionist scholarship, so that when he is big enough, he can assume the mantle of leadership. The little one's nappy is fortunately changed by a subcommittee of six hundred military officers, but the decision-making process is somewhat ponderous, since no one has ever been taught to act on their own initiative. Such independence is regarded as devilish and foreign..

There are rumours abroad that Edweird the Milliner is planning a trip to that lovely Redistributionist wonderland to see what tips he can pick up for a potential Northumbrian government here. It'll be very popular here; I can foresee synchronised mead drinking in next year's Games..

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